


Shoot Me Down

by indelibleink89



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Idk what I'm doing but here's a thing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture, eventual cal/merrin because they're cute, i'm probably gonna make up some planets because idk all the star wars places, no beta we die like men, the non-con isn't very graphic but like it's there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22057219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indelibleink89/pseuds/indelibleink89
Summary: “Wait!” He coughs out, finding it decidedly more difficult to speak with the weight of her foot pushing on his lungs. She presses harder and he tries to pry her off to no avail. “I saw what you went through.” He gasps, “You don’t have to do this.”The side of her mouth is lifted in a smirk that falters for a moment before she regains herself. “I don’t?” She asks, her voice mocking. The question is rhetorical. Before Cal would have even had time to answer, she speaks again and he can hear the excitement as she says, “But, I want to.” Her lightsaber is torn from his hand and finds its home in hers once more. “And you, Padawan, will face judgement for your actions.”AU where Trilla steals more than just the Holocron from the Ancient Vault on Bogano.
Relationships: Cal Kestis & Merrin, Cal Kestis/Merrin, Cere Junda & Cal Kestis, Cere Junda & Merrin
Comments: 83
Kudos: 298





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never really written a fic like this. Please be gentle.

“Careful with that thing,” Trilla’s voice, full of hate, sounds so far away as he falls to his knees. “It’s been through _hell._ ” 

The echo leaking from the lightsaber in his hand sends a cold wind through him, and he’s forced into the vision. All he can feel as he watches Trilla’s downfall is the terror, the pain, the hate. It’s so strong that he almost thinks it’s still her pain he feels when she shoves her boot into his chest. He’s pushed back into the present as he falls, head hitting the ground with a sickening crack. The room spins and he tries to sit up, but his body doesn’t listen. 

Somewhere around him, BD-1 is beeping and whirring. Cal turns his head just in time to see Trilla wave her hand and the small droid is sent flying across the room. “No!” He manages before something presses on his chest. He looks up to see Trilla’s dark figure, and he realizes it’s the same boot on top of him that had knocked him out of the vision. Blinking, the image of the holocron in her hand sends a shiver down his spine. 

“Wait!” He coughs out, finding it decidedly more difficult to speak with the weight of her foot pushing on his lungs. She presses harder and he tries to pry her off to no avail. “I saw what you went through.” He gasps, “You don’t have to do this.” 

The side of her mouth is lifted in a smirk that falters for a moment before she regains herself. “I don’t?” She asks, her voice mocking. The question is rhetorical. Before Cal even has the time to answer, she speaks again and he can hear the excitement as she says, “But, I want to.” Her lightsaber is torn from his hand and finds its home in hers once more. “And you, Padawan, will face judgement for your actions.” 

He’s going to die. He’d been too slow, too sure that his moves would win him the holocron. He should have known better. He should have pushed her away. Instead, he’d made a trap for himself, and this was the inevitable result. Fear that’s separate from the echo, begins crawling out from deep inside him, causing his breath to hitch. He doesn’t want to die, not when he’s finally found a reason to live. How could he be so stupid? Master Tapal would be ashamed.

Despite his fear, he refuses to let her see it. Instead, he closes his eyes and rasps out, “Do it. Kill me.”

“Kill you?” Trilla asks, her voice deep, slow, and mocking once again. “Why would I do a thing like that? After all, the Emperor needs a new inquisitor.” 

Cal’s eyes fly open again at that, all thought of hiding his fear gone, “No!” He wheezes, and he tries to lift his lightsaber, but she’s too fast for him. The hilt of her own saber comes at him and he’s plunged into darkness.

\---

She’s examining the strange plants in Greez’s terrarium when she feels it. It’s a pinprick to her chest. Small, but sharp and painful. She turns to face her companions, both of whom had been mostly silent as they waited for the Jedi’s return. She breaks the silence with a sharp, “Something is wrong.” 

Cere’s reaction is instant, as if she’d been waiting for the words. She bolts up from her position on the couch. “Cal.” Her voice wavers on the single syllable, and Merrin knows what she feels. It’s a fear that all three of them share as the small figure of Cal’s droid comes racing in, beeping wildly as it does so. 

Merrin steps forward, demanding, “What is it saying? Where is Cal Kestis?” 

Cere’s eyes are wide and Merrin can see her instinctively reach for a weapon that is no longer there. “Trilla, she-” She’s cut off by a sudden boom that shakes the Mantis. 

“Oh, crap!” Greez shouts, sprinting towards the front of the ship to see what had struck them, though they already know the answer. “They’re coming at us! A whole hell of a lot of them. With some very lovely explosives!” 

Cere starts towards the door and Merrin grabs her arm to stop her. “Did you not hear what he just said?” Another boom shakes them again as Cere looks wildly towards her.

“I-I can’t let it happen again! I can’t- I need to save him!” She tries to pull away from Merrin’s grip, but she holds strong. 

Merrin had gotten enough of their history to know what she means, and dread pools in the pit of her stomach. “If you go out there, you will die!” 

“I don’t care!” Cere tries to pull away again but they all stumble as the Mantis shakes again. 

“You cannot help him if you are dead.” Merrin says sharply, then looks up to Greez who’s fear shows plainly on his face. “We must leave!” 

“But, the kid-” Greez can’t get it all out before another shake and sirens begin to sound around them. He knows they can’t stay here, or there will be nothing left of the ship. She doesn’t have to repeat herself. Greez jumps into action as he starts the engines, lifting them off the ground while he still can.

“No!” Cere shouts at him and Merrin can hear the fear and guilt in her voice. “We can’t let them take him! I can’t let him turn into-”

Merrin turns Cere to face her, hating the words as she says them, “We cannot stay here. We will all be killed.” She doesn’t _want_ to leave Cal. She doesn’t want him to die, and she doesn’t want him to be twisted into someone else, something else. But, she isn’t stupid. She knows that even with her power, she is no match for an entire army that is prepared to take them down. 

So even as Greez pushes the Mantis into hyperdrive and Cere falls to the floor in agony, she doesn’t let her own fear and guilt show. She puts on a mask of indifference and tries very hard not to think of the boy they left behind and just what will happen to him.

\--

Before he even opens his eyes, Cal knows he’s in trouble. He can feel the dark energy of the room, can feel the restraints around his wrists and ankles. His head throbs in a steady rhythm as his vision swims into focus. Cold metal and emptiness surrounds him. This is a place of suffering. He doesn’t need the Force to tell him that. 

The device he’s strapped to is familiar and daunting. Trilla’s memories are still fresh in his mind and the echo of her pain hits him again. He tries to pull himself free though he knows it’s no use. He isn’t the first to be successfully held here, and he doubts that he’ll be the last. In a last ditch effort, he tries to call on the Force to help him, but all he accomplishes is feeling like he’s split his head in two. His head droops as mocking laughter fills the room, echoing off of the walls. He doesn’t have to look up to know who it is. 

“A pathetic effort, even for you.” Her voice gets louder as she nears him and Cal finally looks up to meet her gaze. She’s accompanied by two Stormtroopers, but she only has eyes for him. I would have expected a mild struggle at least.” 

He narrows his eyes at her, hoping she can’t hear how his heart is beating out of his chest. “Something tells me it would be a waste of time.” He replies lowly.

Trilla’s eyes go wide with fake surprise, “So, you _do_ have some sense, after all.” She smirks at him smugly and he finds he very much wants to wipe it right off of her face. “This is good news. I feel that it won’t take as long as I previously thought to make you understand.” 

__

__

“Understand what?” He asks, not sure he wants to know the answer. 

Her smirk widens as she simply replies, “Pain.” She snaps her fingers and the Stormtroopers move, facing a terminal that Cal doesn’t need to ask about. 

Primal fear grips him as the machine whirrs to life and electricity sparks on the two panels in front of him. He tries once more to break free as they slowly move towards him. He knows it’s no use, he knows there’s nothing he can do to stop what’s about to happen. It’s all he can do to keep the terror from his face as he pushes himself to slow his breathing. He _will_ endure. He will survive. He’s survived everything life has thrown at him before now. This will not break him.

“By the way,” Trilla starts. The panels are so close, he can feel the heat of the electricity. “Your friends are all dead. I made sure of it myself.” 

The pain hits him so hard and so fast that his head spins. He tries not to cry out, he wants to be strong, he wants to be brave. But the faces of his friends stare at him from behind his clenched eyelids and the agony is too much to bear. He cries out, and it’s a long, piercing sound of defeat. Everything in him wants it to stop, but it doesn’t, and he doesn’t know if it ever will.

\---

She is forced to marinate in her anger for five long days. The damage to the Mantis had been nothing to laugh at. They’d barely made it to the nearby planet of Tesfer with the airlock intact. There, they’d been marooned until the right supplies could come into the sad excuse of a parts shop that had been near them when they’d landed. 

Cere had spent most of her time meditating, and Merrin knows it was the only way she’d kept her emotions in check. But Merrin is not a Jedi, and her emotions swirl inside of her, keeping her on her toes, ready for a fight if they are discovered. She doesn’t think they will be, though. No one had followed them into space as they’d fled Bogano. They hadn’t been what the Empire was really after. They’d gotten what they wanted; the Holocron and the Jedi who’d dared defy them in an attempt to keep it away. She has to stop herself from thinking too long on what they were doing with both of their prizes. 

Finally, _finally_ the ship is fixed and they can do something other than sit and wonder. 

It takes them entirely too long to reach the Fortress Inquisitorious. When they arrive, Merrin gazes out at the hideous structure with a storm in her eyes. She wants to burn it down. And she knows she’s not alone in that desire.

Her anger helps in her ritual as she disguises the ship. They cannot be caught, and she won’t let it happen.

They have a plan, but as she and Cere make their way to the escape pods, the fallen Jedi tells her once more, “Once we’re inside, I’ll engage their defense level. And then sabotage their sensors so the Mantis can extract us. You find Cal.” 

“And the Holocron.” Merrin adds. 

Cere hesitates for a moment, then nods. “Of course.”

“I do not like the idea of splitting up.” Merrin frowns. She knows it will be more efficient for them to go in separately, but a small fear tugs at her at the thought of being alone in that place.

“The lives of Cal and the children on that list are at stake. It’s the only way.” 

Merrin nods at this, though she doesn’t like it.

Cere continues, saying, “Whatever happens in there, don’t worry about me. Just find him, find the Holocron, and get them out. Do you understand?” 

She doesn’t like the thought of it. She knows how devastated Cal will be if his mentor doesn’t make it. But, she nods, anyway. She has her mission, she will complete it. No matter what.

Suddenly, there is a tugging at her leg, and looks down to find BD-1 trying to climb on top of her. She’d seen the droid climb on Cal many times and she knows what it wants. “I do not think it is a good idea for you to come.” Another person that Cal could lose if things go south. If you could call a droid a person. Her words are met with furious beeps and trills and she doesn’t need Cere to translate. She knows that BD-1 is as determined to find their quarry as the two women. “Fine.” She relents, letting the droid climb her shoulder. She has to admit she doesn’t hate the weight of it.

Greez’s voice sounds on the intercom, letting them know they’d arrived. Unlike Cere, Merrin doesn’t need the escape pod. She reaches into her magick, feeling where she wants to go, and then she’s there. The water is warm from the burning underwater mountain. The droid still clings to her, and as she nears, she’s grateful for its presence. She finds the door she wants to be on the other side of, and then she is. There are men in her way, but they are nothing. That is, until she starts getting close to her goal. She’d expected many enemies, but she’d hoped her strength would hold out until she could get them back to the Mantis.

Sweat begins to accumulate on her forehead, and she wipes it away, ignoring how much strain she’s putting on her body. Magick is her biggest weapon, and she is pushing it hard. For a moment, she almost wishes she were a Jedi who could cut down her enemies with a simple sword. Almost. 

Cere is a constant companion in her ear, updating her when she locates the prison and the Holocron, guiding her in the right direction. It’s nice to have her there. With her voice and the droid’s excited beeps, she doesn’t feel so alone. It’s easier to shut out what this place really is. There is no room for fear when she has a set goal. It’s so much different than when she’d been alone on Dathomir, and it gives her strength.

Merrin knows they’ve reached the prison cells when she’s met with a room full of red lights. She takes out the men guarding what few prisoners they have left, but it’s harder. She knows she needs to rest, but she is not done. So, she pushes her fatigue to the back of her mind and crosses the room until she finds who she’s looking for. She can barely see him through the transparent energy field. He’s pushed himself into the farthest corner he can, curled into a tiny ball. But it’s him. Her heart skips a beat as she looks to the droid. 

“Open it.” She commands.

BD-1 jumps from her shoulder, racing towards a terminal. She watches it connect to the machine and suddenly the red doors are all gone, their hum diminishing, leaving the room uncomfortably quiet.

Taking a shaky breath, Merrin hesitates. The droid, however, zooms past her and begins it’s series of whirs and trills, pushing it’s head against Cal’s still form. Just as he begins to stir, Cere’s voice registers in her ear. Only this time it isn’t from the comm link. “I’ve got the Holocron. We must hurry!” She sprints into the room, stopping beside Merrin to take in the sight of her friend who lay in his cell. However, her hesitation lasts only a moment and she goes forward to kneel beside him. 

Merrin can still only stare. His usually fiery red hair is dull and lifeless, he’s shirtless and his skin is too pale, save for the burn marks that she can make out on his torso. His movements are slow, and as he looks up at Cere, who offers him words of encouragement, his eyes are dark and empty. Suddenly, Merrin is wracked with the fear that they are too late.

“Help me!” Cere commands as she begins to lift him. 

Finally the spell is broken and Merrin can move, rushing to support him. She doesn’t know what to say to him, though she doesn’t think he will hear her words if she were to utter them. He is dead weight on both of them and it’s difficult to get him up and out. 

Out. That is their new objective. There are less men to worry about on the way back, but every spell she casts hits her harder and harder. They wouldn’t make it without the droid, who is proving it’s worth by opening any door they need to get through. Merrin is glad she let it come along.

It’s when their destination seems in their grasp that Merrin feels a presence stronger than all the rest. The Second Sister steps from the shadows, blocking their way forward.

“And where exactly do you think you’re going with my pet?” Her voice is deep, full of anger. Something tells Merrin that she doesn’t like being thwarted. 

“Trilla.” Cere says, her voice full of sadness. “Let us pass. Please. Don’t let this be your legacy.”

Trilla laughs, a cold, bitter sound. “Let you pass? I’ve worked too hard on him to just let you take him back. He’s _mine_.” 

Merrin hadn’t realized Cal was conscious until she feels him shiver at Trilla’s words. For some reason, this makes her inexplicably angry. But, she knows that her anger is not enough to defeat the Second Sister. Cere’s measly blaster isn’t enough. They can’t fight her. Yet there is no other way through.

Merrin extends her magick out, touching the Mantis. It’s close. If she were at her full power, it would be easy to teleport all three of them there. But, she isn’t, and she’s afraid that the distance is too far. She won’t abandon Cal, and no matter what she’d agreed to prior to this mission, she will not abandon Cere.

“Please, Trilla. I’m so truly sorry for what I caused you. But, you don’t have to do the same with Cal. Let him go.” Cere tries again, though anyone can see that her efforts are pointless.

Trilla’s frown only deepens as she all but spits, “I will retrieve my pet, I will take back the Holocron, and I will cut you down as I do so.” Her lightsaber springs to life as she readies for a fight.

This is it. She has to do something. Trilla is about to charge them, and they have no defense. Cere raises her blaster, shooting bolts that Trilla easily blocks. They are all about die here. Merrin knows she can’t let that happen.

“Sisters, mother, give me strength.” She mutters a quiet plea to her deceased family as she wraps herself and her companions in her magick and pushes them towards the Mantis just as Trilla lunges at them.

All four of them fall to the cold floor of the Mantis and Merrin doesn’t have the strength to get up again. As she blinks, Cal’s face comes into view. His breathing is shallow, but as he looks at her, there is recognition in his eyes. A spark lights inside of them, fueling her hope that he is not yet lost.

“Captain! Get us out of here!” Merrin hears Cere yell before her eyes close and she hears no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just pretend Darth Vader was off world that day. Because none of them would have made it out if he was there.


	2. Chapter 2

_He’s too exhausted to fight the Stormtroopers who shove him into the chair, but it doesn’t matter. At this point, he knows what’s coming and he’s prepared for it. It will be immeasurably difficult, but he’s made it this far and he doesn’t plan on letting it get to him now. He can take the physical pain. After all, his body is only part of who he is as a person. He is connected to something else, something more, and he trusts in it. Ever since he’d mended his bond with the Force, he’s been stronger for it. The Force, and all it allows him to be, is the greatest gift he’d been given._

_“It occurs to me,” Trilla starts, forgoing her usual taunting tone for something else. She almost sounds… excited. It’s more frightening than anything he’s encountered so far as she continues, “that I’ve been going about this the wrong way. Sometimes, you must admit your errors and find a new solution.”_

_Cal finally raises his head enough to meet her gaze, and the delight he sees in her eyes fills his body with a dread he hadn’t been sure he could still feel. She’s up to something different, something he isn’t anticipating, and he’s as sure as he’s ever been that he doesn’t want to find out what it is. Not that he really has any choice in the matter._

_But, it’s fine. He can handle it. He won’t crack. He won’t become like her. He’s too sure of himself, too confident in who he is now that he’s repaired his soul. Trilla Suduri won’t take that away from him._

_So, he summons his depleted energy and manages to mutter, “You still won’t win.”_

_He sees her eye twitch in frustration and the victory he feels in the small motion helps him straighten even more. Though, his confidence begins to waver when she breaks out into a mocking grin._

_“We’ll see about that.” She says, her voice lowering as she nears him, as if she’s about to tell him a precious secret. “You see, I think I’ve finally found your weakness. It took me a laughable amount of time to figure it out, sure. But, I’m confident in what I can achieve with this new tactic.”_

_Cal is too slow to hide the confusion that finds its way on his face. What else can she possibly do? He’s been in this horrific machine countless times. She’s mocked him with his failings so much that it had begun to sound like a prayer. It’s been hard to fight it. Sometimes he’d been so close to giving in just to make it stop that he’d spent hours in his cell furious at himself for what could have happened. He can’t be weak. He can’t lose hope. No matter how dire his circumstances become. Giving in to the Dark Side, giving into Trilla’s will, is something he simply cannot do. If he does, then she wins. This, at least, he can keep from her. The one thing she won’t get from him._

_Trilla seems to revel in throwing him off and she takes a moment to continue. “It was when I recalled how exactly you came to be here that I understood. You are different than most Jedi. At first I hadn’t thought your_ special _abilities would be of any use to me until you’d turned. But, I think I may have been wrong.” She pauses just long enough for Cal to understand what she means, before saying, “So, I have a present for you.”_

_He hadn’t noticed the item she’d been holding until she shoves it into his hand. It’s a lightsaber, one he’s never seen before. He knows what she’s doing and he tries to hold it off, to push it away, but he’s too weak, too exhausted from the endless torture._

_The echo comes onto him like a smack in the face. It’s that of another Jedi captured during the purge. He’s fighting for his life, scared and alone. He’s watched the Clones butcher his master and his friends and now he’s losing, he’s going to be killed. Then a figure in black appears and death is not what waits for him._

_Cal comes back to reality with short, labored breaths. He feels wrong, almost dirty. For his own gift to be used against him as a weapon was nothing short of perverse. Yet, as his vision swims into focus and the image of Trilla’s smug expression sharpens, he steels himself against the thought._

_“You’ll have to do better than that.” He says, summoning all the defiance he can manage while trying his hardest not to crumble._

_She doesn’t falter, doesn’t give him the satisfaction of getting under her skin. “Don’t worry,” She replies, handing the lightsaber back to one of the troopers, and taking what looks to be a cloak from another. “We have many spoils of war here. A collection, I suppose. I used to think it silly.” The look on her face tells him that ‘silly’ is no longer her word for whatever items had been stolen off of the tortured Jedi who’d unfortunately found their way here._

_His heart skips a beat and he fruitlessly tries to pull out of his restraints to avoid being handed the cloak, but he’s unsuccessful and he can do nothing as he’s thrust into another horrid scene._

He wakes with a start, his whole body jerking as if it had been afraid it would tumble in his unconsciousness. It takes a moment for him to understand his surroundings. It isn’t what he was expecting; the claustrophobic dark of his cell, or the forlorn emptiness of the interrogation chamber. Yet, it’s a room he’s seen countless times. If he doesn’t know any better, he’d say that he’s on the Mantis. But, that is impossible. The Mantis doesn’t exist anymore.

There’s a weight on top of him that he barely registers before a familiar series of beeps and whistles enters his ears. He’s too disoriented to understand what he’s saying, but as Cal turns his head, there’s a droid standing on top of him, causing his heart to race.

“BD-1?” He croaks, throat dry and irritated.

Oh, no. 

She’s done it. Trilla has brought him something from the wreckage of his ship. He is going to witness his friends’ deaths. He can’t do that. He can’t see this. He turns on his side, bringing up his knees to make himself as small as he can, and clenches his eyes shut, pressing his hands against his ears with as much strength as he can manage. With everything left in him, he tries to will himself out of the echo. It isn’t something he’s been overly successful with, especially after a long session, but he simply refuses to witness this. It’s too much.

Despite trying to shut out the sounds, he can still hear the beeping, more furious now. Any moment something horrible is going to happen. Any moment, the Mantis will be ripped apart.

Someone puts a hand on his forearm and he can’t take it. “Don’t touch me!” He shouts, voice breaking and cracking as he does. He doesn’t know if the touch is coming from the echo or from Trilla, but he’s relieved when it disappears. 

Someone is shouting his name, begging him to open his eyes. He can’t do that, he can’t see what’s about to happen. But, a small voice in the back of his mind tells him that something is different here. This doesn’t feel like any echo he’s experienced. Yes, he’s delved into his own past through the Force, but this isn’t the same. At least, he doesn’t think it is.

He has enough doubt to finally open his eyes again and he’s met with the vision of all three of his crewmates staring down at him, matching looks of worry on their faces.

Cere is in front, holding out her arm as if to keep them back. 

The same voice of doubt sounds in Cal’s mind again. If he was looking at each member of the Mantis, how could he be seeing through any of their eyes? Hope as small as a pinprick touches his chest, making him wonder if this really is an echo, after all.

Finally, he lowers his hands from his ears.

“Cal.” Cere says his name, her tone low and cautious, “It’s alright. You’re alright.” She kneels down in front of him, holding up her hands in a diffusing manner. “You’re back on the Mantis. You’re safe.”

It doesn’t make any sense. Has Trilla finally found a way to fabricate an echo? As if using real pain wasn’t enough, she had to create more. 

When he stays silent, Cere continues, “We broke into the fortress. Do you remember?” 

Hazy memories of waking to find his friends in his cell come back to him. It had felt like a dream that wouldn’t stay with him. He remembers catching bits and pieces of the two women who’d come to take him, fighting off any troopers that got in their way. He remembers green light, and a warmth he’d almost forgotten. And he remembers looking into light eyes, so different from the dark and angry ones he’s gotten used to, somehow finding hope inside of them.

“We took you back from that wretched place and we destroyed it.” A different, sharper voice speaks to him then, and he moves his gaze to Merrin who crosses her arms. She looks different than he’s used to and it takes him a moment to realize why. Her hair is down and she looks tired, her shoulders slumped even as the fire burns in her eyes. He’s never seen her look anything other than proud and capable. This strange sight causes some of the tension to leave his body. 

Looking back to Cere, he swallows with some difficulty before asking, “Are we dead?” 

If they _are_ dead, it’s a pretty terrible time. He thinks every single part of his body is in pain, his head is still foggy, and he may or may not be a moment away from throwing up all over the floor. He’d thought being dead would at least be a little better than this.

Cere lets out a long breath, shaking her head and speaking in that same soft tone, “No, Cal. We’re not dead.” 

“She said you were dead. You died because of me.” His cracking voice is barely above a whisper and he’s tired. So tired. Maybe he isn’t dead, and maybe this isn’t an echo, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some trickery involved. He wouldn’t put it past his captor to find a new way to torture him. Still, what if they are telling the truth? Trilla is a liar as well as a psychopath. Maybe he’d been too quick to believe her. 

“Don’t worry, kid. It isn’t that easy to kill a Latero.” Greez finally speaks up at this, offering Cal a small smile. 

He doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he doesn’t. Instead, he tries to ask where Trilla is, but he gets caught up on her name, almost choking on it. 

“Hold on.” Greez says, disappearing through the doorway and reappearing mere seconds later. He’s holding a cup and starts towards Cal with it.

“Wait.” Cere commands and he stops. 

“What? I’m bringing the kid some water.” Greez sounds offended.

“Let me do it.” 

“Why? I know how to hand someone a cup.” 

“Please, Greez. Let me.” 

He hesitates for a moment, clearly unhappy before finally, he gives in and hands it to her. The exchange is so bizarre to Cal that he thinks no one like Trilla could think to make it up.

When Cere turns back to him, she offers him a comforting smile. “I won’t touch you, if you don’t want. But, here.” 

Cal hesitates, but the look in her eyes is so genuine, he wants to believe that this is real. So he lets her bring the cup to his lips and he drinks. He thinks that if he wasn’t so weak, he’d be ripping the cup from her hands to drain every last drop. But, he _is_ and he’s forced to drink at an agonizingly slow pace before she pulls the cup away and it disappears from his line of sight.

“How are you feeling?” Cere asks, and Cal can only stare at her. 

How is he supposed to answer a question like that when he isn’t even fully aware of what’s happening? Part of him is still wary that this is some kind of fever dream, and the other half is too tired to comprehend much of anything. 

She seems to at least somewhat understand this as she lets out a low sigh and says, “Nevermind. Get some rest. We’ll be here if you need anything.” A small, but comforting smile manages to make its way on her face before she finally stands. 

His eyes close then, without his consent, but he can still hear them muttering amongst themselves. He’s too exhausted to make out the words, but among the low tones he hears soft trilling close to his ear. Somewhere in his mind it registers that BD-1 is still there and Cal wants to apologize for scaring him, but his mouth doesn’t seem to work. The harder he tries to speak, the further he falls into darkness until everything else has left him.

\---

When he opens his eyes again, he’s surprised to realize that he’s still in the same spot, still curled up on the cot in the back room of the Mantis underneath a heavy blanket. A wave of hope rushes over him that it wasn’t all a dream, after all. It’s enough to give him the energy to sit up. Slowly, but surely. 

As the blanket falls, Cal sees that he’s dressed in unfamiliar dark clothing. It’s loose fitting, which he’s thankful for. But, the thought of someone touching his body while he was unconscious makes him queasy, and he has to push the thought away to avoid getting sick. If this is real, if his friends truly had rescued him, he knows their intentions were good. They weren’t going to take advantage of his vulnerability.

Cal hears BD-1 whirr in excitement, and it pulls him away from his dark thoughts. Though, he realizes that the droid is no longer on top of him. He shifts until his feet touch the ground and BD-1 rushes to his side. It’s easier now for Cal to translate his noises into exclamations of relief that Cal seems to be okay. As he stares down at his friend, one whom he’d missed terribly during his torture, Cal thinks he should tell him he’s fine, or at least smile at him. But, he can’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he just looks. 

To his left, a voice sounds, “BD-1 isn’t the only one who’s happy to have you back.” 

Turning his head, he finds Cere leaning against the workbench, arms crossed, and a mix of emotions on her face. Cal doesn’t know how to feel seeing her there. He wants to be happy, to be relieved, but he feels nothing instead.

With a deep breath, she pushes herself forward and slowly walks towards him. Instantly, he’s on edge, afraid that if she gets too close to him, she’ll attack. He knows it’s ridiculous, knows that Cere would never hurt him. Alas, his heart still pounds against his ribcage like it wants to escape.

She stops a few feet from him, as if sensing his anxiety. “I understand how you feel.” She says quietly, “It’ll take… a while for you to trust anyone. Even yourself.” She moves to sit against the wall in front of him and Cal thinks she looks younger as she situates herself cross-legged on the floor. Maybe it’s the open look on her face, the understanding he can see behind her eyes. Or maybe it’s something else that he can’t quite put his finger on.

Finally, he takes in a breath to speak, voice low as if afraid someone would overhear, “How do I know this is real?” He asks. 

He can see sadness in her eyes before she hides it, shaking her head, “At first, you won’t really know. You’ll keep expecting to find yourself back there. Everything in the corner of your eye will be someone coming to attack you. Every quick movement will have you cowering like a scared child.” Sympathy plays on her face, but she nods as if to reaffirm her next statement. “But, it _will_ get easier. I won’t lie to you and say that one day you’ll magically be healed. You’re still going to struggle, but… happiness, it won’t be so hard to find.”

He doesn’t know what to say to this. Eventualities don’t really help him in the moment, but he thinks he’s thankful for her words. At least a little.

“For now,” Cere continues, “You can always ask me anything you want. If you aren’t sure if something is real, or if someone is true, just ask me. I’ll never lie to you.”

Cal thinks that this is probably what an ill-meaning vision would say in order to gain his trust, but he finds himself believing her anyway. He _does_ have another question for her, though he’s afraid to know the answer. His heart skips a beat as he swallows and opens his mouth to ask, finding it more difficult than he thought as he stumbles over his words, “Cere, I.. I need to… T-Trilla, is she…”

Cere thankfully stops him from having to go any further as she says, “She’s still alive. We did as much damage to their fortress as we could, and I tried,” She shakes her head sadly, “I tried to get through to her, but… I couldn’t.” The palpable fear that courses through him then must show plainly on his face, because she reaches out to comfort him, thinks better of it and merely offers him, “She doesn’t know where we are. For now, at least, I don’t think she’ll be able to come after us. We have time to… to figure things out.”

He doesn’t know exactly what that means, but he frowns, leaning forward to put his head in his hands. “She’ll come after me.” He says, clenching his eyes shut as he does so. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done to cripple the Empire. As long as she’s still alive, she will hunt him down. This is one thing he’s certain of. 

“Even if she does,” Cere says, voice sharp, “We won’t let her take you. Not this time.” 

Cal is quiet for a moment before raising his head to look at her, eyes still full of fear, “You don’t understand. She, she-” He shakes his head, cutting himself off. He knows he can’t explain it to her. For Trilla, it isn’t just a matter of torturing another random Jedi into servitude. What she wants from him is different, more… obsessive. As much as she’s struggled with the Dark Side, Cere wouldn’t comprehend it. Cal isn’t even sure he truly does.

“Cal,” Cere starts, and her face is so genuine that it hurts to see, “I swear to you that I won’t let her touch you again. No matter what.” 

He wants so badly to believe her, and even though he can’t, he nods anyway. 

They’re both quiet for a moment and Cal looks down to extend a shaky hand to BD-1 who gently pushes his head against Cal’s palm. The cool metal is comforting in a way, and Cal can’t help but feel a little better because of it, despite everything.

“Cal,” Cere says his name again, but her voice is more strained, and he can’t help but meet her eyes again, his hand still resting on top of BD-1. “I’m… I’m so very sorry for what she did to you. I wish it had been me instead.” 

A deep frown creases his brow and he shakes his head softly. Part of him, a dark scary part, wants to agree with her. He wants to shout at her that it was all her fault. That what Trilla became was her fault, and what she put him through was her fault. If only Cere could have been stronger, if she could have resisted, none of this would have happened.

But, that isn’t fair. The only reason he’d been able to resist as long as he had was because of what Cere had taught him, because of what she’d gone through. And, to be honest, if he’d been trapped there any longer, he isn’t sure he would have held out. In fact, he knows he wouldn’t. A thought that chills him to the bone.

So, instead, he simply says, “No. You don’t.” With such heaviness that she doesn’t even try to argue.

Maybe she sees that it’s futile to try, because she merely says, “We should get you something to eat.” before standing. 

The thought of Greez’s cooking pushes the darkness from his mind, at least a little, and he nods. For now, at least, he can focus on something he knows could never be replicated by an evil mastermind. It’s the most comforting thing he’s felt since he’s woken up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that not much really happens in this chapter, but I needed to get this part out of the way. Thank you to everyone who has read so far! I appreciate all of you.


	3. Chapter 3

Slow breaths. In and out. In and out. 

He is not here. He is nowhere and everywhere.

The force is pulling at him, calling him in a beautiful melody of peace and serenity.

But, it is a siren’s song. 

His calm turns to something dark as whispers penetrate his thoughts. He tries to push them down, but he can’t. They’re growing into screams of fear and anger and loss. Again he tries to push at them, but they push back until they’re a roaring in his ears. He can see them now, he can feel their pain. They’re calling out to him to end it, to help. But, he can’t. He’s useless, a prisoner trapped in his own mind, and he can do nothing as they drag him down.

He’s being shaken and a voice, different from the rest, calls to him. “Hey, Kid! Snap out of it!”

Cal opens his eyes to find a four-armed figure directly in front of him. Breathing heavily, he remembers where he is. He’s not a prisoner anymore. The voices are not a part of him. He’s on the floor of the back room of the Mantis. He’s okay.

Well, as okay as he can be.

“Don’t scare me like that, Kid. I thought you were having a seizure or something.” Greez tries to sound like he’s laughing it off, but Cal can hear through it. Maybe it’s his own distress recognizing the similar feeling. 

“I’m fine.” Cal says. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. He’s lost count of how many times he’s said it since his rescue, though he’s never once meant it. “I was meditating.” 

Greez raises an eyebrow at him, “Is that what Jedi meditating looks like? Is your nose supposed to be bleeding afterward, or is that just a fun bonus?”

Instinctively, Cal raises a hand to his face and frowns at the red liquid he sees. Obviously, meditation is supposed to be a time to relax, to get closer to oneself and the Force. Cal’s meditation before the Purge had been moments to reflect on his training and his time with his master. Once he’d regained his bond with the Force, it had been a great way to hone his skills and sharpen his mind. Now, it seems to only offer him the countless Echos that Trilla had forced upon him. And he wonders to himself if he’s cursed to never have a good relationship with his spiritual side. Maybe it’s his punishment for surviving the Purge when so many, who deserved life much more than he, did not.

Anger at himself rises inside of his chest and he uses his sleeve to roughly wipe away the remaining blood. BD-1 beeps nervously beside him, but Cal ignores him. He doesn’t need two people in the same room worrying about him. 

“Look, if you need to talk-” Greez starts, putting a hand on Cal’s shoulder. But Cal violently yanks himself away and cuts him off.

“Don’t touch me! I said I’m _fine_.” His tone is sharp and he knows it’s rude, but he doesn’t care. He looks to the floor and tries to pretend that he doesn’t see the hurt in Greez’s eyes as he steps back.

“Whatever, Kid.” Greez says, voice tight. “I came back here to let you know that Cere and I are heading into town for supplies. She says you can come if you want.”

Cal looks back to him at this. They’d landed The Mantis on a small outer rim planet that Cere had called Arogan a few days ago. Cal had never heard of it, but she’d insisted that there was no Empire presence here. So far, Cal hadn’t journeyed outside of the ship to find out. He knows that they’re docked in a clearing of a heavily wooded area just outside of a small town. But, other than that, everything about the planet is a mystery. At first, he’d stayed inside under the guise of not wanting to be seen just in case there _were_ any Stormtroopers. Once they’d determined it safe, it had become something else. Though, he doesn’t want to admit what it is.

How can he admit to any one of his friends that the thought of being out in the open, under any number of unfamiliar gazes, is the most frightening thing he can think to do at this moment? He knows it’s ridiculous. He knows that Cere wouldn’t want him to go if it wasn’t completely safe. He’s hiding and he knows it. Something he’d already told himself he’d never do again. But, he can’t bring himself to go, anyway. 

So, he shakes his head and mutters, “No, thanks.”

Greez leaves without argument and Cal takes in a deep breath before rubbing at his tired eyes. He knows he should follow and apologize to the Captain. He knows he shouldn’t let his fear keep him from doing basic tasks. But, knowing these things doesn’t make them happen.

BD-1 beeps at him, reprimanding him for his behavior and Cal snaps, “I don’t remember asking you.” Though he can’t look at the droid as he does so. The offended noises BD makes before bolting out of the room only serve to make Cal feel even more guilty. Something he wasn’t sure was possible. Cursing under his breath, he finally pulls himself off of the floor and decides the one thing he needs right now is a nap. At least if he’s asleep, he won’t have to feel like a complete idiot for a few hours.

\---

_She’s strong, but she’s not invincible. Her guard is tight, but he can outsmart her. He sheaths the blade on his saber just as she goes to strike. It makes her falter and gives him the opportunity to push her away. Her lightsaber falls to the ground and without hesitation he pulls it to him. It seems like such a simple thing. He’s too preoccupied with her and he doesn’t feel the energy of the Echo dripping from the hilt until it’s too late. His own maneuver has become his undoing and now he’s a prisoner. He’s cold and alone, caged in the dark. But, he’s not alone. Trilla is there and she’s on top of him. He’s too weak to get away from her. She has him pinned to the floor and she leans down, so close to his ear that he can feel her breath as she says, “You are mine. And you always will be.”_

He wakes with a start and he can feel the layer of cold sweat on his body as he once again has to remember where he is. Dourly, he wonders if he’ll ever be able to have a peaceful moment again. 

Still on edge, Cal stumbles out of bed. Maybe now he can muster up the energy to apologize to either one of his friends, but first he needs water. If he’s lucky, no one will bother him until his throat doesn’t feel like a desert. 

Slowly, he makes his way down the hall and when he reaches the common area of the ship, Cal is surprised to find it empty. “BD-1?” He inquires into the emptiness of the room. Peering ahead, he doesn’t see anyone in the cockpit. His heart begins to race as he realizes he’s alone. 

Oh, no. What if she found them? What if his friends are dead? Or worse? He has to do something. He can’t be alone. Not again. He can’t.

Panic rising inside of him, he frantically searches the ship, almost tripping up the miniscule staircase as he does before finally making his way to the door. Slamming his palm against the button, he impatiently waits for the door to slide open. Blinding sunlight slaps him in the face and he instinctively raises a hand to block it, ultimately tripping down the ramp and landing in the grass with a thud. It’s been so long since he’s seen any sun that he should have known better than to run out. 

Cal can hear familiar frantic beeping headed towards him, but he can’t open his eyes to verify who it is. 

“Are you alright, Cal?” It isn’t BD-1’s robot noises, but an actual voice that sounds just above him. Merrin.

“Is everyone okay?” He answers her question with his own. His anxiety still buzzes in his ears, but he’s beginning to feel more and more foolish for immediately jumping to the worst conclusion. 

She’s quiet for a moment before she answers, “Cere and Greez are still gone, but I have been keeping a metaphorical eye on them. Nothing seems to be amiss. Why? Did you feel something?” 

It’s almost sweet that she would think that Cal could have any kind of self control with the Force at this moment, let alone enough to tether to someone else. 

Slowly, but surely, Cal is able to open his eyes and he blinks up at the Nightsister who is leaned over him. He sees the concern in her eyes, and he answers, “N-no. I didn’t feel anything. It’s just… there was no one on the ship when I woke up, and… uh… forget it.”

“Sorry.” She responds and holds out her hand to help him up. “I like the feel of this planet. It’s nice to be outside here.” 

Cal ignores her hand and pushes himself up. He feels BD-1 trying to help and a wave of guilt hits him again for his earlier words. When he’s on his feet, he says, “Don’t be sorry. You’re not a prisoner. You can do what you want.”

“Still,” She says, crossing her arms. “I am supposed to be looking after you. I don’t think Cere would have considered you very well looked after if you’d broken your neck falling from the ship.”

Cal frowns at this, trying not to show the embarrassment he feels. “I don’t need anyone looking after me.” He says, but the lie tastes sour on his lips. 

She gives him a look that says she doesn’t believe him as she counters, “Be that as it may, Cere asked me to keep an eye on you. I should have been doing a better job.”

At this, Cal deflates. Cere is afraid he’ll do something stupid or reckless. She hasn’t said it directly, but he can tell. She, more than anyone else, knows how he’s feeling. Or at least, she’s as close to knowing as any of them. He hasn’t told her how Trilla used his own abilities against him, or her possessiveness, how she’d taken complete control of him and he’d come so, so close to breaking. But, Cere doesn’t have to know the details to understand. Different people break in different ways. She gets it.

Instead of arguing further, Cal shrugs, “I won’t tell if you don’t.” The corner of Merrin’s mouth quirks in a small smile, and while he doesn’t reciprocate, it makes him feel more at ease.

They’re quiet for a moment and Cal takes the opportunity to get a good feel for his surroundings. The clearing they’d found is not much bigger than The Mantis itself, but not small enough to feel claustrophobic. The trees are tall and bursting with green leaves. He can hear the sounds of wildlife inside of them and he wonders at what fauna inhabits this place. Not so long ago he would have grabbed BD-1 and charged headfirst into the forest to see what lay in wait. The thrill of adventure had made his very bones sing. Now, as he eyes the treeline, he feels anxiety creeping up on him that there could be someone hiding in the thicket, waiting to jump out and drag him back to that dark, cold place. His friends had said they’d destroyed it, but he still can’t help the nagging feeling that he is doomed to eventually return, to fall prey to the Second Sister once again, only this time there will be no escape.

“We can go back inside if you want.” Merrin says, pulling him out of his reverie. He looks back to her to find the same look of concern in her eyes that was there only a moment ago.

Shaking his head, he answers, “No. That’s okay.” He had meant it when he’d said she wasn’t a prisoner. He isn’t going to confine her to the ship because he’s too afraid to leave it. He can’t hide for the rest of his life. No matter how much he wants to.

Merrin nods at this and offers him a smile before lowering herself and ultimately laying back in the grass. Cal almost follows suit, but settles for merely sitting. BD-1 nudges his arm and Cal looks over, instinctively reaching out to pat his head softly. “Sorry for earlier, bud. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” 

BD-1 trills out reassurances that it’s okay and he isn’t mad. It makes Cal feel better, if nothing else. 

“Your droid is quite the companion.” Merrin says from her position in the grass. “I wish I knew what he was saying.”

BD-1 jumps into Cal’s lap and rests his head on Cal’s leg before letting out another trill.

“He says he likes you.” Cal reveals, absently resting his hand on BD’s head. 

“The feeling is mutual.” Merrin responds and Cal watches her as she stares up at the sky. “When did you learn to understand them?” 

“I learned during my training. We had many droids on our ship. Most of them were programmed to make sure it stayed running, but… I thought of them as my friends.” He frowns down at BD-1 in his lap as he ponders on the memories. Cal had also thought of the clones as friends and that hadn’t worked out so well. Still, he could never imagine BD turning on him like that. It had been something else. Something darker.

“Well, maybe one day you can teach me.” Merrin says, almost sounding excited.

“Yeah, maybe.” Cal wonders if there’d be a day in the future that he’d be of sound enough mind to even try teaching something like Binary. Though, he supposed, if Cere could overcome her struggles enough to teach him how to be a better person, he could at least do that. 

“Have you seen this sky, Cal Kestis?” Merrin asks suddenly, and he raises his gaze to see her head turned towards him. He feels the quizzical expression on his face as he continues until his eyes meet the open horizon. It looks like a sky. He isn’t sure he understood the question.

Looking back at her, he says, “It’s blue.”

She scoffs, shaking her head and raising an arm, motioning him to come closer. “You’re not looking correctly. Come, let me show you.”

He hesitates, but can’t see a reason not to comply. Slowly, he sets BD down on the ground and shifts closer, laying down parallel to her body. 

“See?” She says, pointing up. “It is so much softer than the sky on Dathomir. It feels smoother, like still waters. Can you feel it, Cal? This place is full of kind creatures. The ground we lay on is rich with their spirit. Feel it with me, the beauty of such a simple place.” 

He can sense her looking at him as he keeps his eyes trained on the swirling clouds. He wants to feel what she feels, but he hesitates, afraid he’ll get lost in his own demons if he tries. 

“I can’t.” He utters sadly. 

“Yes, you can.” Merrin argues back quietly, but with a fierceness he hadn’t expected.

He shakes his head, feeling his heartbeat jump. The memories of his earlier failed attempt at meditating are still too fresh in his mind. He doesn’t want to get trapped in the echos again.

“Cal,” Merrin calls his name and he turns his head to see her looking at him. “Trust me.” 

She sounds so genuine that his doubt starts to ease just a little. It helps that she’s there, close enough to touch if he wanted. One thing he’s learned about Merrin since they met is that her intentions are never nefarious. If she says she knows he’ll be alright, she means it.

So with a deep breath, he looks back to the sky and he lowers his guard, reaching out to his surroundings through the Force. He’s met not with the wails of the innocent, but with the warmth of a beating heart, the excitement of the life around them, and the light of the energy here. Cal can almost see it in the distance, dancing in front of his eyes like a meteor shower. It’s beautiful. For a moment, he can only stare. He doesn’t know if it’s something he’s doing, or if she’s showing it to him. Either way, he’s thankful for it.

“I see it.” He finally says, and his throat feels tight. “You’re right.”

“Of course, I am.” Merrin says in a teasing tone. “And look,” She points again and it doesn’t take long for him to realize what she wants him to see. “The clouds can take familiar shapes.” 

Cal watches as one particularly fluffy cloud shifts and molds into a very nice replica of BD-1. The ghost of a smile forms on his lips at this. “You’re a good artist.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Merrin argues, but her tone suggests that she knows it exactly. Cal appreciates what she’s doing.

Finally, he tears his eyes away from the sky to roll onto his side facing her. “Can I ask you something?” He asks, the calm of the sky slips away from him and he’s left with only himself.

Merrin turns her head to look at him, “Of course.”

With a deep breath, he utters a question that had been on his mind since he’d been rescued. “Why do you stay with us? You came with me to help me find the Holocron. Because of you, we were able to get it back. Not to mention you saved my life, but… you can go anywhere you want. You can find someone else to travel with.”

Merrin fully turns to face him at this, frowning sadly, “Do you want me to leave?” 

“What?” Cal asks in surprise, “No, of course not.”

“Then why would I want to travel with anyone else?”

For a moment, Cal doesn’t know how to answer this. His true thoughts are shameful. He doesn’t feel like he deserves to have her or any of them with him. Not now. After all, what has he ever really done to make her stay? Instead of telling her that, he simply mumbles, “It’s dangerous.” 

“Life is dangerous.” She answers with no hesitation. “I will not abandon you for threat of danger. What would that make me?” 

Smart, he thinks. But, Cal simply shrugs. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt because of me.”

She sighs at this, “I’m a big girl, Cal. I can take care of myself.” 

“I know.” He mutters quietly. He’s glad that she seems so determined to stay with them, even though he knows how dangerous it is. But, he can’t make her decisions for her. Besides, her presence helps to ease his loneliness. Despite what else he’s been through, he still feels as though they’re kindred spirits. 

“We are survivors, Cal.” She says softly. “We adapt.” 

Maybe it’s the lingering effects of what he’d just felt, or the familiar words themselves, but Cal can feel his face soften and the corners of his mouth tipping upwards in response. “Yeah, I guess we do.” He says equally as soft. 

Seemingly satisfied with the way their conversation has gone, Merrin rolls back to once again stare at this sky. “Yes, I think I like this place very much.” 

Cal continues to watch her, not wanting to let go of the moment as he says, more to himself than to her, “I think I do, too.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda short. Sorry 'bout it.

The Cantina is small, too small if you ask Cal. There is nowhere for him to truly hide, even though he knows he’s supposed to be doing the opposite by coming here. It had taken him several days to work up the courage to leave the relative safety of the woods, and he’s still uneasy. 

Even though he still keeps the hood of his cloak over his hair, which is starting to gain back some of its color. Even though all of his friends sit around him at the table making small talk. Even though BD-1 is perched on his shoulder, keeping an eye out for any sign of trouble. 

All of this should be comforting, but his nerves are on edge nonetheless. 

Someone laughs a little too loudly at a nearby table and Cal jumps, his hand instinctively moving to grip a weapon that is no longer there. The pang of guilt at his lost saber hits him in the chest and he crosses his arms to keep it from bursting out. There’s no doubt that his friends noticed, but they kindly ignore it. 

Cere calls his name, and he lifts his gaze from his lap to meet hers. She offers him a comforting smile as she says, “Your food is going cold.” Unsurprisingly, Cal’s appetite has been pretty shoddy since his return, and he’s still struggling to eat more than a few bites at a time. But, he knows it worries his companions, so he makes a show of picking some of it up with his fork and taking a bite. It’s harder to actually swallow it, but he manages, and thankfully Cere’s attention turns to something else.

“Greez and I happened on a nice little shop the other day. In case you want to pick some other clothes. We were, um, limited with what we could provide you before.”

Cal looks away at the thought of having hands on him while he lay unconscious, but pushes it back. He can’t linger on things like that, besides, she has a point. His tunic is loose and awkward on his thin frame, and his pants are a struggle to keep from falling down when he walks. The only problem is, “I don’t have any money.” He says the last part of his thoughts out loud. 

Greez snorts into his drink at Cal’s words, “What? You mean the Second Sister wasn’t showering you in riches?” 

It’s a bad joke and both Cere and Merrin turn to look at Greez, matching expressions of disapproval on their faces. From his shoulder, Cal hears BD-1 give a reprimanding beep. Cal is too shocked at the joke to be upset. Another time, in another life, he would have found a sarcastic quip leaving his lips before he could realize he’d thought of it. Now, though, he just blinks wordlessly. 

Greez, clearly uncomfortable with the eyes on him, continues down a safer path, “I’m just _saying_ that you don’t have to worry about the money. We’ve got you covered.” 

This jostles Cal from his shocked state as he replies, “You haven’t been gambling, have you?” They very much do not need the extra stress of Greez’s bad habits right now. 

Offense is plain on his face as Greez shoots back, “What? No!” 

“We found a few things to sell.” Cere interjects calmly. 

Turning his attention back to his mentor, Cal frowns, “I-I can’t accept-“ 

Before he can finish, she speaks again. “You can. If it makes you feel any better, we aren’t using all of the money on you.” Her expression is encouraging, but he can sense the fight she’s ready to put up if he tries to argue again. So instead, he wordlessly nods. 

The rest of their meal is spent with idle chit chat, though Cal makes little effort to join them. Thankfully, they know well enough not to push him. 

It’s a short walk to the marketplace, but the people mulling back and forth make Cal more uneasy than they should. The inhabitants of this planet seem to be mostly humanoid, which he feels makes it easier for him to blend in, but he can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

It helps to keep his attention on his friends, particularly Merrin. He wonders if she’s ever seen this simple part of every day life. On Bracca, the markets weren’t quite so bright and organized, but the concept was the same. There are scattered stalls selling various wares and goods, with small shops in between for people to take shelter from the sun.

Cal is watching Merrin be particularly fascinated with a seller and a client who are locked in a barter war when Cere grabs his attention (thankfully not by touching him) and leads him into one of the shops. 

It’s dimly lit, but it smells sweet and there are much fewer people inside than on the street, which helps to calm his nerves. 

Cere finds the shopkeeper, an older woman in a headscarf, and begins friendly conversation. Or at least, he thinks that’s what it is by their tones. He doesn’t understand the language spoken by the locals, and only so many that they’d encountered spoke Galactic Basic. Which has only added to his uncertainty. Though, he doesn’t think the smiling old lady bears them any ill will. 

“She says to feel free to look around.” Cere tells him, gesturing to the different fabrics and clothes. 

“Thank you.” He says to the woman, though he isn’t sure if she understands. BD-1 trills his own thanks, which Cal knows she definitely doesn’t understand by the confusion on her face. 

Finally feeling comfortable enough to pull his hood down, Cal begins to peruse the items. While there isn’t an overly large array of things, the fabrics seem well crafted. Much better than anything he’d owned on Bracca. 

It’s in a back corner that he senses it. A familiar energy that used to pull him in by his curiosity alone. Once his eyes rest on the small wooden fabric weaver, he’s frozen to the spot. It’s dripping in the echo, and Cal can almost hear it calling to him, begging him to know its origins. A primal part of him aches to answer the call, to learn just that much more of the history around him. But a different part, a part that’s so used to pain and anguish, wants him to run, to sprint out of the door and never look back. 

His heartbeat is so loud in his ears that he doesn’t hear Cere calling his name until she’s standing in front of him. With a barrier between him and the echo, he’s able to move again and he blinks, looking up to see Cere wearing an expression of concern that he’s already very tired of seeing. 

“Are you alright? What is it, Cal?” 

He has to turn away from her worry, and shakes his head. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” 

“Don’t.” Cere says, quietly but fiercely. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. Keeping everything bottled inside won’t help you. _Talk_ to me, Cal. Please.” 

It takes him a moment before he can meet her gaze, but valiantly, he does. “It’s an echo.” He finally answers, glancing behind her to where the weaver still sits, still inviting him in. 

“An echo.” She repeats thoughtfully. “Cal, this may sound hypocritical, but I don’t believe you should cut yourself off from the Force. It isn’t-“ 

“I’m not.” He cuts her off quickly, “I-I mean, I’m not trying to. I don’t think. I don’t want to, but…” Cere stays silent, letting him take his time to finish. “Y-you don’t know… the things she made me see… and feel.” He shakes his head, looking away again. Despite all the echoes that were forced on him, he can still remember the first. “I was so stupid, Cere. I thought I was being smart, but I was just arrogant and foolish. On Bogano, I took her lightsaber from her. I didn’t realize it had the echo before it was too late. And I saw what happened to her, and you. I f-felt it.” 

Cal had never been able to fully describe what it was like to experience an echo. When he was younger, it had seemed frightening, to be thrust into someone else’s mind, even for a moment. Master Tapal had taught him how to let it flow through him, to embrace it rather than fear it. After all, not all echoes were bad. Quite a few of them held memories of happiness and joy. Those were always his favorites. 

And he knows it was completely his fault that Trilla was able to weaponize it. He showed his weakness when he took her saber, and he let himself get captured, he let her see him at his most vulnerable and she inevitably used that against him. 

“Cal,” Cere starts gently, but he stops her. 

“I shouldn’t have been so cruel to you for what you did, and what happened to Trilla.” Her name was ice in his mouth, but he ignored it. “It wasn’t fair.” 

“Cal, you weren’t cruel.” 

“Yes, I was. I didn’t understand. I thought… I could never do something like that.” He shakes his head sadly, looking into her eyes once more, “But, now I know better, and I’m sorry.” 

Despite her words, Cal can see the gratitude in her eyes at his apology. It’s a shame that it took what it did for him to understand, but he figures maybe it was what he deserved. After all, he had brought it on himself. 

“Still,” Cere starts, instinctively raising a hand to put on his shoulder, but he flinches away from it and she pulls it back, lacing her fingers together. “You were never stupid, Cal. Whatever they… whatever she did to you, it wasn’t your fault.” 

“Yes, it was.” He reiterates almost angrily. BD-1 beeps at him in disagreement, but he ignores it. Neither of them understand. “She used the echoes against me because I showed her that she could. And now I can’t even…” he trails off, but Cere knows what he’s trying to say. 

“I know how hard it is to not blame yourself, no matter how many people tell you it isn’t your fault. And maybe, maybe you did give her the idea, but she was the one who chose to use it against you. It isn’t fair, and you didn’t deserve it, but it happened.” Cere moves out of the way, and Cal is face to face with the echo again. “Only you can decide if you’re going to take back what she stole from you.” 

It calls to him in that same song, but he still can’t answer. It’s still too much. So he shakes his head, muttering, “I can’t.” In about as defeated a tone as he’s ever heard. 

Cere nods and he flicks his gaze up to hers, relieved not to see any judgement there. “That’s alright. No one can force you. It takes time.” 

He almost smiles at this and somehow, the pressure to go to the echo lessens. It’s almost as if her telling him that he doesn’t _have_ to overcome his fear yet convinced the Force that he isn’t ready. 

“Now,” She says, her voice much lighter, “Why don’t we find you something to wear, hmm?” 

So they return to their shopping and even though he’s never much cared about his outfits, he finds it easy to focus on the task until he’s finished. Eventually, he leaves with something simple, but fitted. The shopkeeper offers to tailor anything, but he’s lucky to avoid it. 

When he’s alone in the changing stall, he can’t help but examine his body and the fresh scars that adorn it. He knows he’s lost weight, he knows he’s too pale, even now. But, it’s the marks that he hates the most. Permanent evidence of what he’d let Trilla do to him. Even worse, there were some things she’d done that didn’t leave a trace. Some things carry no physical evidence, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less.

It takes him a lot longer than it normally would to dress. He thinks he should be used to the dull pain he feels when he moves, but evidently it still slows him. It’s better, but he wonders if it will ever disappear entirely. 

When he finally emerges, and Cere pays for the clothes, Cal reattaches the cloak, and is grateful for BD’s familiar weight when he jumps on his shoulder.

They find Greez and Merrin near a stall that seemed to be primarily selling jewelry. Merrin turns as they near and a smile lights up her face. 

“You look better.” She says, “Much less sickly.” 

Cal doesn’t know whether to be flattered or not. “Thanks?” He says and she chuckles at the look on his face. 

“She means, you clean up nice, Kid.” Greez grins at him and he figures he should just take the compliment, though he hasn’t really done anything. 

Even so, Cal has to admit that it’s nice to have new clothes. Not just other clothes, something that’s new. He doesn’t think he’s ever owned anything brand new in his entire life. Even his Padawan robes had belonged to someone before him. Despite everything else he’d just faced in the last hour, it still feels nice. 

So, he lets the small smile make its way on his face as he says, “Thank you.” With much more certainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cal: *shows obvious signs of emotional distress*
> 
> Anyone: r u ok??
> 
> Cal: No off topic questions. Because I don't want to. No, the- no. Permission denied. That's an off topic question. Next? You have been stopped.


	5. Chapter 5

Saying she doesn’t like her quarters on the Star Destroyer is quite the understatement. Though, perhaps if she hadn’t let her old Master destroy their fortress, she wouldn’t have to deal with the cramped space. 

As she sits on the edge of the small bed, feet planted firmly on the floor, her eyes are closed and her mind is elsewhere. 

She runs the moments through her mind, her short comings and what she could have done differently to turn him faster; the Jedi Padawan who had caused her so _much_ grief since she’d discovered him on that dirty scrapper planet. 

It might have been easier if she’d just killed him when she’d first had the chance. There had been something about him, though. Something she’d recognized. He’d been too much like she was before she’d become what she is now. He was arrogant and foolish and too willing to run headlong into danger if it meant doing the right thing. That was why she’d had to break him. And she’d come so close.

Even when he’d held strong against her torture, even when he’d spat in her face and denied her the satisfaction of seeing him crumble, she’d loved it. Because she’d known it would only last so long. There wasn’t a single person who could hold out against her. And she could see it; she could see him starting to lose himself. It had been using his psychometry against him that had turned the tide, but it had only been one component in her scheme. She had planned to make him fully hers in every way, and the tease of just how close she’d gotten was more than infuriating.

Maybe if she’d been harder on him, pushed him farther, he would have broken in time to stop Cere and the Witch from taking him, taking the Holocron away from her. 

They’d stolen everything she’d worked so hard for, but she is going to get them back. A bond like the one she and Cal formed is not so easily broken. The dark side of the Force is a powerful thing, and through it she can feel him. It is a tether, thin and easily breakable now, but the closer she gets to him, the stronger it will grow. This is how she will find him.

She has one more chance, one more moment to get back what she’s lost, and she isn’t going to ruin it. She will retrieve what is hers, and she will kill everyone and anyone in her way. 

Because there is no other option. Her Emperor will not tolerate another failure. So she will not fail.

—-

She’s watching him, though part of her knows that she probably shouldn’t. While she doesn’t require being alone when she practices her craft, she imagines that Jedi meditation is fairly different. 

It’s curiosity that keeps her eyes on him as she leans lightly against the tree. He’s sat in the middle of the clearing, head turned towards the sun. With his eyes closed and his face expressionless, he looks so young. Her heart aches at the sight. Outside of her sisters, there had been very few people that Merrin had cared deeply for before Cal came along. It is painful to see him as he is now and she’s wondered time and again whether there was something she could have done to avoid what had happened to him. It had been a journey he’d wanted to accomplish on his own, a path that hadn’t been meant for her, but she still feels guilt anyway.

The serene look on his face is broken with a frown, and she can see his breathing speed up, but his eyes stay closed. Merrin’s gaze flicks to BD-1 who is patiently standing next to Cal, a small but loyal guardian. The droid turns his head towards his friend, and Merrin wonders just what a droid could be thinking in a time like this. She’d had very little experience with them prior to this, and she’d never expected one to feel so… alive. She can’t help the question of whether or not a droid could have actual feelings and thoughts that aren’t just programmed into it. It certainly feels that way sometimes.

Cal lets out a low whimper and Merrin frowns, pushing herself off of the tree to step closer to him. He looks as if he’s in pain and she wants to help, though she isn’t sure how. Her first instinct is to try to snap him out of whatever trance he’s in and she drops to her knees in front of him. A small stream of blood begins to seep from his nose and her frown deepens. 

She doesn’t touch him, figuring that will make things worse with how much he’s avoided any kind of contact with any of them. Instead, she says his name, first in a low voice so as not to scare him. BD-1 makes an anxious noise and she glances over at him as if he could tell her how to help. He can’t of course, so she turns back to Cal, calling his name louder, urging him to wake from whatever nightmare he’d gotten himself stuck in. 

Just when it seems she’ll have no choice but to try shaking him, his eyes fly open and she catches the pain and fear inside of them as he struggles to come back to the here and now. When he catches her gaze, she holds it, trying to offer as comforting a look as she can. It’s not exactly her strong suit, but it seems to work well enough and he begins to calm, his breathing steadying as he wordlessly looks into her eyes. Merrin feels a stab to the heart, but she ignores it. Now is not the time to focus on her own emotions.

She doesn’t know how long they look at each other, but eventually he looks away, wiping the blood from his lip as he does so. 

“Do me a favor and don’t ask me if I’m okay.” He says quietly, running a hand through his hair. “I’m tired of hearing it.”

She _had_ been planning on asking, but she respects his wish. 

“Alright.” She says instead. “Can I ask you something else?” 

He raises a hand to pat BD-1’s head, a habit she’s noticed he does when he’s anxious. Maybe it’s a comforting gesture. After all, BD leans into it, much a like a pet. 

“Sure.” He answers, though he doesn’t sound very enthusiastic about it.

“You were meditating, were you not?” She tries to ask this as innocently as possible to avoid sounding rude. 

“Yep.” He says, and she can hear the shortness in his voice, even in the one syllable. She’ll have to choose her words carefully.

“It isn’t always so… painful, is it?”

He finally looks at her at this and she can see the exhaustion etched into every part of his face. It makes her want to wrap him up and let him sleep for days on end. 

“It didn’t used to be.” The exhaustion bleeds into his voice and she almost feels guilty for asking.

It takes her a moment to find the right words before she speaks, “I don’t want to sound… accusing, but… do you think you are being plagued because you can’t… let go?”

He frowns deeply at her and she knows immediately that he took it the wrong way.

“I mean,” She starts, hoping for damage control before he gets angry with her, “Because of what happened to you, you cannot find that state of calm that you used to.”

He shakes his head at this, “It isn’t quite so simple as that.”

“Why not?” She asks without thinking. It’s probably invasive to ask, but she can’t help it.

He stares at her for so long, she thinks he won’t answer. But, he does.

“I… when I was…” He pauses, making a frustrated noise. “You remember when I told you about the… the echos, right? How I can see into the past when I touch certain objects?”

Merrin nods wordlessly, afraid he’ll change his mind if she speaks.

“The… the Second Sister found a way to use them against me. I… I saw so many… awful things. So many Jedi who suffered so much... and it’s like… it’s like I can’t get them out of my head. Whenever I try to let my guard down, they just… they swarm me and I can’t fight them off. I… it’s never happened to me before, and…” He pauses for a while, eyes falling to the ground, but Merrin doesn’t dare to say a word. “And I think I might be… broken. So broken that I can’t be fixed.”

Another stab, but she ignores it again. “I don’t think that.” She says, hoping she sounds as genuine as she feels.

Cal looks back to her and his expression says he doesn’t believe her, “Thanks, but... “

“I mean it.” She says before he can think of something self-deprecating to say. “You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.” The look in his eyes doesn’t change, but she pushes forward. “ _And_ I think I might be able to help you. At least, I think I can help you clear your mind, if nothing else.” There is no magick fix to the things that aile her friend, but if she can guide him to better connect with himself, then maybe it can set him on the path to recovery.

She can see hope flare up in his eyes, but he pushes it back, “How?” He asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Your visions, they come to you through the Force, right?” He nods wordlessly at this. “If using the Force is anything like how I use my magick, I might be able to help you control it so the visions flow through you, instead of getting stuck inside your head.” She isn’t sure if she completely makes sense, but he seems to understand.

“Can… can you really do that?” He can’t hide the hope that finds its way into his voice and it almost makes her feel guilty. What if she can’t help him? What if she only makes things worse?

It’s a fear, but it isn’t an excuse to not try. She can’t sit back and watch him be haunted by these things anymore.

“I think so.” She answers truthfully. “I can certainly try.” 

Maybe he realizes that it’s better than nothing, better than resigning to suffer. Or maybe he actually believes in her. Whatever it is, he looks at her, and for the second time since his rescue, he smiles at her. “Okay.” He says quietly. “What should I do?”

\---

The hum of the Mantis is the only noise in the quiet of shared sleep. Many hours had passed since her crew mates had fallen into unconsciousness, and yet Cere could only blink up at the ceiling. There were many nights, even now, when sleep would elude her as her mind raced through the things (of which there were so very many) that she’d done wrong to end up here. Tonight seems to be one of those nights.

Having long since abandoned trying, she merely sits on the couch, staring at the floor. Until she finds herself standing as she has so many times now, to try and ease part of the worry gnawing at her. Quietly, she makes her way to the back of the ship, the dim night setting allowing her just enough light to complete her trip without falling.

When she comes to the doorway of the back room, she stops as her eyes rest on the figure she’s looking for. He seems to be deep in sleep, though she doesn’t dare use the Force to reach out to his mind. She doesn’t need to, really. The mere sight of him here, safe, eases her conscience a little. Every time she comes to check on him, there’s a fear in the back of her mind that he’ll be gone, or she’ll walk in to find someone else: an Inquisitor.

But, that isn’t fair to him. Cal hasn’t shown any sign of turning dark since his rescue. He’s angry, yes. She can feel that, even without the Force. There's turmoil inside of him that few can understand, and it’s unbearably painful for her to see. But, as much as he must be feeling, he hasn’t truly lashed out at any of them. Cere can’t help but wonder if that moment will come. If one day, he’ll be so tired of fighting it, that he’ll succumb to the darkness that Trilla has so viciously tried to wrench out of him.

Until she’s certain that this day will never come to be, she worries for it, and she wonders just what she will do to save him from himself.

For now, she can only try her best to lead him down a better path than she herself had followed. She’d be lying if she said she doesn’t miss connecting to the Force. Cutting herself off from it had been like severing a limb. Something vital had been torn from her, but it’s also something that could tear her apart if she lets it back in. So, she suffers without it. If she can help Cal with one thing alone, it will be to make sure he doesn’t have to live the same half life she does. It’s unnatural for a Jedi to live without the Force, and she wouldn’t wish it on any one of them, especially him.

Dragging herself from her thoughts, Cere steps forward to fix his tangled blanket, pulling it up over his shoulders. With a heavy sigh, she reaches her hand forward, brushing stray hair from his face. Again she makes a silent promise to herself to be better, to not fail him as astoundingly as she had Trilla. She can make this right. Somehow.

After this, she knows it’s time to leave. Invading his personal space is something she’s been actively trying to avoid, even if it’s difficult. So, with one last look at him, she retreats back to the common area. Unfortunately, she’s still quite certain that she won’t get any sleep. Instead of trying, she decides to go outside, hoping the sound of the doors sliding open doesn’t wake anyone else. 

It’s a peaceful night. The sky is alight with many stars. The two moons are waning, but what does show of them is bright. She’d always liked this planet. The mostly docile weather has always made it easier on those who lived here. It had been one of the more difficult places to leave when she’d come here for the first time with her master. 

Thinking of the old man makes her long for a time that had passed many years ago. Absently, Cere begins to stroll along the outside of the clearing. What would Cordova say if he could see her now? He’d always been blessed with boundless optimism, but even he had a breaking point. She wishes he was here to offer advice on where to go. Would he approve of her want to rebuild the Jedi order? Or would he call her a fool? As flawed as they were, the Jedi had still been a symbol of hope. Maybe it’s selfish to want that back, to want her people back, but she can’t help it. Her mind travels to the Holocron that she has stored safely away on the ship, among other precious things. For now, she won’t decide what to do with it. After all, is it really her decision to make?

She stops as she spots a long, thin stick on the ground. Bending down, she picks it up, and holds it as a weapon. She misses her training, and the physical exertion that came from it. It was good for the body and the mind. 

In one swift motion, she spins, waving her weapon to collide with a nearby tree. Moves and abilities she’d learned long ago come back to her now, and she practices them. It feels good to be in her element again, even if she is only attacking a tree. It’s far from a real opponent, but that doesn’t concern her. It’s the familiar movements, the blood pumping in her veins. She misses it, no matter how hard she tries not to.

“I haven’t seen you fight like that before.”

She hadn’t heard him approach, too engrossed in what she was doing. Taking a moment to calm herself, she looks to him. His arms are crossed against the light wind, his hair is still mussed from sleep, and the dark marks under his eyes still shine in the moonlight. She can’t help but feel guilty to see him here.

“I hope I didn’t wake you.” She says. “You should be resting. I know you had a hard day.” 

Cal frowns at this, and looks down at BD-1 who stands diligently at his feet. It’s somewhat comforting to Cere that he can stand to have someone close to him at all times. Even Droids can prove to be excellent companions. 

Still, she can see the memory of the day on his face. Merrin had offered to help him with his struggles in using the Force. They’d spent hours on it, and it had been hard on him. But, there was a promise there that it could lead to something more. Cere certainly believes in him enough to know that it will get easier for him. Even if he doesn’t believe it, himself.

“I had a nightmare.” He says, absently running his fingers along the tattoo on his forearm. “I was alone. I couldn’t find any of you.” He shrugs at this. “So, I just wanted to make sure you were all here, I guess. It’s stupid, I know.”

Cere frowns at this, “It isn’t stupid. I already told you you can come to me for anything. No matter what it is.”

He looks back to her, but doesn’t continue. Instead, he points to the stick in her hand and says, “I like your technique. I’d ask you to train with me, but… with only sticks, I don’t think there would be much training.” 

“To someone with the right training, a stick is all you need to get out of a bad situation.” It’s partly the truth, and partly an attempt to lighten the mood. She offers him a small smile that fades when he doesn’t reciprocate. With a low sigh, she says, “Go back to sleep, Cal. It’s alright. We’ll be here in the morning.”

He crosses his arms again, shaking his head. “I’d rather stay out here, if that’s alright.” 

Not being overly inclined to try forcing him into anything, Cere nods. “If that’s what you want.” He nods back and she looks down to the stick in her hand before holding it up in offering. “Do you want to practice?” Maybe practicing with his body instead of his mind would be an easier feat for now.

He eyes the stick for a moment before reaching to take it from her. She can see the sadness in his eyes as he looks at it. More guilt hits her at the clear longing for his weapon. Trilla had taken it from him when she’d captured him, and it was now lost to him. At least, that is what he believes. Cere knows better. She’d found it among many Jedi relics that had been collected in that hideous place. An urge to take everything had seized her, but she’d known she couldn’t. So she’d only grabbed his lightsaber and she’d charged ahead.

Now, it sits hiding with the Holocron until Cal is ready for it. 

Maybe it’s wrong of her to keep it from him. After all, he’s clearly affected by its loss. But again, that same old fear that he could lash out, that he could hurt himself or anyone else runs through her mind. 

Or worse, if he gets back his weapon and wants to face down Trilla before he’s ready. The thought of losing him like that is too much to bear. Cal is her responsibility and she will keep him safe, no matter what.

He steps back from her, facing the same tree she’d been using to practice and takes the defensive position that she knows he’d learned from Jaro Tapal. A pang hits her chest as she thinks on him. What would Tapal think of her if he knew what she’d let happen to his Padawan? Most likely, she thinks, he would be ashamed.

Cal starts off by going through basic moves, ones any trained Jedi could do in their sleep. Then he moves on to more complicated things, and Cere offers advice on foot placement and swing radiuses. But, as they go, the practice turns from something simple and by the books to an electrically charged moment. She can’t pinpoint exactly when it changes, but she hears Cal’s breathing get heavier and his moves become more aggressive. Whatever is going through his mind shows in every move he makes. She tries to warn him to calm down, that he’ll take too much out of himself if he isn’t careful, but he doesn’t seem to hear her. His hits become harder and harder until finally the stick cracks in half and he throws it to the ground in frustration.

An ache deep in her chest begins to pound as she looks at his face. His eyes are red and his face is wet. His breathing turns to gasps in between sobs as he says, “I’m s-sorry. I’m s-so sorry, Cere.”

She doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for, but she doesn’t care. She can’t take the sight of him. She knows it’s a risky move, but it doesn’t matter. Taking the few steps forward to close the gap between them, she throws her arms around him, holding him tightly. For a moment, she’s afraid he’ll yank himself away from her like he has so many times already. But, to her surprise, he does the opposite. He leans into her, clutching at her tightly like he’s afraid she’ll disappear if he lets go.

“It’s alright, Cal.” She says, though she knows it isn’t completely the truth. “I’m here. I’m right here.” That much, though, she is certain of.

He shakes against her with a tidal wave of emotions that she herself can remember feeling once upon a time. It’s difficult to keep her own in check as his sobs hit her like a punch in the gut, but she bites down on it and she lets him let go. This is a moment for Cal. He doesn’t need her to be a crying mess, her needs her to be a solid rock. So, she stands tall and holds him with all her strength as he releases his agony on her. And all the while she prays to the Force, to anyone really, that she has the strength to help him overcome the demons her own actions have caused him. Because this isn’t fair, and he deserves so, so much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I titled my chapters, this one might be called 'Cal the True Ladies Man' because he's got all of them thinking about him. And also creepily watching him when he's not paying attention.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a warning, this is the chapter where you might want to take a second look at my tags.

“Hey, Kid. Sit down here, will ya? You’re giving me anxiety. It’s time for lunch.”

Greez’s voice snaps Cal out of his haze. He stops the pacing he’d been doing through the common room and eyes the Lateron who is now pointing at the kitchen table.

“I’m not hungry.” He mumbles by way of reply.

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t ask. Sit.” 

While Cal knows he doesn’t _technically_ have to do what he’s told, the command is unmistakable. So, he climbs the tiny staircase and makes his way to the table, finding a seat.

Currently, the two of them and Cere are the only occupants of the ship, but Cere is busy with her comms, paying little attention to anything else. However, one pair of eyes on him is enough to make Cal feel guilty for not eating. It’s why he doesn’t complain when he watches Greez give him a helping that he can’t possibly finish, and it’s why he starts on it anyway. 

The two men are quiet for a few moments as they eat, until Greez breaks the silence with a question Cal had been hoping no one would ask. “What’s up with you and the Nightsister?” 

Memories of the day before hit Cal rather ungraciously, and he stares down at his food. He thinks about telling Greez to mind his business, but he doesn’t think it will get him very far. So, instead, he tells the truth.

“She’s been trying to help me with my, uh.. block with the Force. And, I uh… wasn’t very nice to her.” Not nice is a bit of an understatement. They’d gotten into a screaming match by the end of it, which had been entirely his fault. He supposes that it doesn’t really matter how _hard_ it is to keep getting essentially slapped in the face with horrible memories of others who’d suffered. Not to mention his own experiences getting thrown in the mix. He’d gotten frayed, yes, but he shouldn’t have been rude. After all, she’d been trying to help. 

“Ah, I see.” Greez responds, “So, you were a jerk, and now she’s mad at you.”

Cal looks up to glower at the Lateron before saying, “That’s one way to put it.” He doesn’t want to admit that that’s the best way to put it.

“So, why don’t you just apologize? Problem solved.” Greez stabs at his food and Cal quietly watches before answering.

“I… don’t know how.”

Greez raises an eyebrow at this. “What do you mean you don’t know how? You just say the words ‘I’m’ and ‘sorry’. Doesn’t seem so hard.”

Cal sits back in his chair, pushing out a deep sigh, “I don’t think it would be enough. Besides, she won’t even look at me, let alone let me apologize.” 

“Hmm.” Greez looks down at his food and goes quiet and Cal thinks that’s the end of it. He’s started picking at his plate when Greez speaks up again. “You know, this isn’t exactly the best meal I’ve ever made. Maybe I need fresh supplies.”

Cal eyes him at this, “Okay.” He replies, not entirely sure where he’s going with this.

“The only problem is,” Greez gives Cal an exasperated look, “I’m just too busy working on the ship to go into town right now. And Cere; poor Cere has been diligently listening for Empire activity. We just don’t have the time.” Cal watches him silently, knowing he’s not finished. “Why don’t you go for us? You look like you’re feeling better. The walk shouldn’t be an issue. Oh, but… man, I really don’t think you should go alone. You never know what could be out there.” He pauses before snapping his fingers quite theatrically and saying, “I got it! Why don’t you go with Merrin? I’m sure she won’t mind.”

It’s obvious at this point what he’s trying to do, but Cal is appreciative anyway. “I don’t know if she’ll agree to it if I ask.”

Greez stands at this. “Oh, don’t worry, kid. I’ll ask. And I’ll pull out my best charms.” Giving Cal a wink, he ambles out of the ship and Cal can’t help but smile to himself at his ridiculous captain.

\---

He shouldn’t be surprised that Greez is able to convince Merrin to go, but he is impressed that the Lateron was able to do it so quickly. Both Cal and Merrin are dressed in their cloaks and on their way to town within the hour. Cal would have to thank him when they returned. That is, if Merrin doesn’t strangle him first.

They’re silent for a while, the only noises between them the sound of their footsteps and the curious beeps BD makes from Cal’s shoulder. 

Finally, when he can take it no more, Cal says, “So, Greez gave you the list, right?” 

Merrin’s simple, “Mhmm.” doesn’t do much to help him and he frowns at the foliage around them. Glancing over at her, he wishes he could see the look on her face. She’s more intimidating with her cowl up, though he supposes that’s on purpose. 

“Uh,” He continues lamely, “Do you think the Empire might actually be here?” While it is still a legitimate fear that he has, it’s mostly a sad attempt at some kind of response. 

She turns to look at him for only a moment before facing ahead again, “I do not think so. Cere would know if they were here. She’s been… adamant about knowing the second they arrive.” 

He can understand that. After all, he knows that Cere blames herself, at least partly, for his capture. It must be hard, he thinks, to have two people that she feels responsible for go through something like that. He recalls the night before and the sadness he’d seen in her eyes when he couldn’t hold his emotions back any longer. It had been a therapeutic moment for him, but he wonders just how much it hurt her. 

He doesn’t regret it, though. If he’s being honest, he doesn’t think anyone has ever held him like that before. Master Tapal had not been an overly sentimental person, and after he’d gone, Cal had had no one. Despite everything, the moment with Cere had felt nice.

The silence that falls on them this time is easier, but it still makes Cal uncomfortable, so he tries again. Even if she doesn’t respond, he’d rather listen to himself talk than nothing at all.

“I wonder what else is on this planet. I mean, I know we came here to keep a low profile, but… I still can’t help but wonder what else there is. I dunno, maybe we can move on after a while.” The thought of going anywhere new is still terrifying to him, but somewhere deep down, it’s also exciting. He’d spent a long time in one place, all alone. Ever since he’d met Cere and the Mantis crew, he’d thought he’d spend the rest of his time traveling. At least until they’d found all the force-sensitive children, anyway.

Now he wonders if they should even look for them. The vision he’d had in the Vault hasn’t faded. He still remembers how it felt to see the children captured, to see himself as an Inquisitor. He knows he can’t let that happen. Maybe Merrin had been right. Maybe they should have just left the Holocron alone. Not a single one of those children deserve to experience what he had.

BD-1 suddenly perks up then, trilling and jumping from Cal’s shoulder. It breaks him from his reverie and he starts to follow. “Wait, BD, where are you going?” This is far from the first time the droid has found something he wants to inspect, but it makes Cal nervous all the same. It doesn’t help that BD-1 is ridiculously fast. 

He hears Merrin call his name, but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t want to let the droid out of his sight. He almost trips over a fallen branch before BD finally stops. By the time Cal catches up with him, he’s panting and leans forward to put his hands on his knees. He hadn’t realized just how out of shape he is. Perhaps the not eating thing isn’t exactly helping.

Cal watches as BD-1 scans what looks to be a bed of rather beautiful looking purple plants sprawled around the nearby trees. Despite the anxiety BD’s sprint had caused him, he smiles at the droids proud beeps and boops at what he’s found.

Getting down on one knee, Cal pets BD’s head, saying, “Good job, bud.” He doesn’t want to stifle his friend’s curiosity. After all, it’s something they share. At least, they did. Maybe they still do. But Cal’s curiosity has been caged behind a wall of fear that isn’t quite so easy to break down.

He picks one of the flowers, eyeing it as he stands again. The long stem and many purple leaves give it an interesting look. The smell is one he’s never known before, but he likes it.

Looking up, he finds Merrin watching him. Her arms are crossed, but he doesn’t see anger on her face. It’s something else, something he can’t quite define. Part of him thinks she looks sad, but that doesn’t make any sense. So, he ignores it and steps towards her, holding out the flower to her. 

“Do you like flowers?” He asks.

She looks at it for a moment before taking it from his hand. 

“Not really.” She finally answers, but she doesn’t throw it away. Instead, she keeps hold of it as she meets his gaze again. “We should get moving if we want to return to the ship before nightfall.” 

“Alright.” Cal responds, but as she turns to leave, he finally works up the courage to say, “Merrin?” She stops, looking back at him and he offers her the most genuine expression he can manage. “I’m sorry. For… for yesterday. You were just trying to help me and I was a total jerk to you. That wasn’t okay.”

She looks at him for a moment, the confusing expression back on her face. “It’s fine.” She says, but he doesn’t think it actually is.

“Are you sure?” He asks, searching her face for any lies. “I don’t want you to be angry with me.” The thought of her angry with him for too long worries him. If he makes her mad enough to push her away, then she might leave. And he doesn’t like the thought of that, at all.

“I’m not angry with you, Cal.” She says, shaking her head. “I am scared for you.”

This throws him off. “Scared for me?” He isn’t sure he understands why she would be more scared for him now than before.

She opens her mouth to speak, then seems to decide against whatever she was going to say, opting instead to repeat, “We should get moving.”

She turns to head towards town again and Cal steps forward, closing the distance between them and gently taking her wrist to stop her. Which she does, turning to look at him with surprise in her eyes.

“Why are you scared for me?” He asks, letting go of her. “Just tell me. Please. I’m tired of people keeping things from me.”

She frowns at him, saying, “I don’t want to start an argument.”

“You won’t. Just say it.”

With a deep breath, she finally answers. “You’re letting your fear control you.” He blinks at this. She’d had no problem telling him this already. Why would she be hesitant now? “It sticks to you and you don’t even try to shake it off. If you’re not careful, it could consume you.”

His face falls at this. “You’re afraid I’ll become like Trilla.” 

“No.” She says this sharply enough that he believes her. “I do not think that is in your nature.” She pauses, “I’m afraid you’ll become what you fear most. A shell. Empty and alone. I do not want that for you.” 

Her words hurt, but he understands them. She’s right, of course. It _is_ what he fears most. Being alone, worth nothing to no one. He’d spent too many years feeling that way. To go back would be… possibly worse than death. 

But, she doesn’t understand. She hasn’t felt what he feels. She doesn’t know how much it _hurts_. His fear of losing her, of losing all of them and returning to that horrible place is palpable and is not so easily dismissed. 

Maybe it makes him a bad Jedi to be so afraid of losing things, but he’d never been very good at detachment. It was something his master had constantly gotten on him for. 

“I see.” He finally says, too tired to even try arguing with her. “You’re right. We should get going.” He starts forward, feeling BD jump on his shoulder as he does.

“Cal.” Her voice stops him, and he turns back. “I do not want you to think that I don’t believe in you. Because I do.” 

It’s nice to hear, and he knows it’s genuine, but it doesn’t quite make him happy. So, he mutters a half-hearted, “Thanks.” before turning away again.

“There is something else I thought to try with you.” Again he stops, but he doesn’t turn back. “Maybe… maybe letting go of these voices wouldn’t be so hard if you weren’t alone. If you had someone there with you. In your mind, I mean.”

Finally he faces her once more. “What are you saying?” He’d never heard of being able to enter someone else’s mind. It doesn’t seem… natural.

Merrin looks down at the flower still in her hand as she answers, “It is something that is taught to us, but we Nightsisters know to use it with caution. It can be dangerous for oneself to get lost in the memories of another. But, if it can help you, if you can let your visions flow out of yourself and through me… maybe you can finally be rid of them.”

Cal eyes her for a moment, wondering just what that would mean. The thought of having anyone else in his mind knowing his thoughts makes him feel sick. 

“If you do this, you’ll be subjected to them, too. I don’t want to do that to you.” It’s only part of his fear, but a valid part. After all, she can’t _want_ to see the same horrors he’s been forced to live through over and over. No sane person would.

He sees the moment of fear in her eye before she pushes it away, taking a step closer to him. She hesitates before resting a hand on his arm and for once, he doesn’t feel like pulling away from it. Instead, he’s focused on the genuine determination in her eyes as she says, “I can handle it. If it is a burden you do not have to bear alone, then why should you? If this is the only way that I can help, so be it.” 

“You don’t have to help me, Merrin.” 

“Yes, I do. You helped me. It’s only right.”

“Well, I didn’t really do much.” He recalls not being the one to bury the former Jedi underground. Merrin had done pretty much all of the heavy lifting to get him the Astrium.

“Of course, you did.” She says, furrowing her brow. “If you had not come to Dathomir, I would still be there. I would still be seeking revenge on the wrong people, still feeding my anger over something I cannot change. I would still be _alone_ , Malicos or no.”

He watches her for a moment before taking a deep breath, “I don’t really think you want to be in my head right now. It’s not a fun place.”

Sadness twinges her expression as she answers, “I wouldn’t invade on all of your thoughts, only what you’re focusing on. I would only be there to help you let it go free.”

“Would I forget whatever you push away? Like, would it be gone forever?”

She shakes her head sadly, “No. But, if I can help you get past it just once, it should be easier when you try again.”

He thinks it over for a moment, wondering if it’ll even help, or if knowing she’s there will just make it worse. It was different when she was only on the outside. But, having her on the other side of a thick wall of fear hadn’t done much to help him before. 

What can he lose? If it does work, maybe he can finally mend his connection to the Force once and for all.

“Fine.” He says, before he can change his mind. “Let’s do it.” He moves to sit down in the grass, lowering his hood. BD-1 jumps down to the ground.

“Right now?” She asks, clearly surprised.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t we have supplies to get?”

Something tells Cal that Greez will be okay for a little while longer, so he shrugs, “We’ll get them later.”

Merrin gives him a skeptical look before finally conceding and sitting in front of him. Lowering her own hood, she asks, “Are you sure you want to do this now?”

Nodding once, he answers, “I don’t want to be controlled by my fear.” 

A ghost of a smile appears on her face as she holds out her hands. “Here. To strengthen the connection.” 

He hesitates, but only for a moment before taking her hands in his. They’re warm and soft, and somehow comforting.

“This might feel strange, but I won’t hurt you.” 

Cal offers her a tiny smile at this, “I trust you.” 

Her own smile grows before she closes her eyes. “Alright. Just do what you would normally do to open yourself up.”

With a deep breath, Cal closes his eyes and begins lowering his walls, reaching out to that special place in the Force that offers him solace. When he hears the cries coming at him, he can also feel something else, a presence that doesn’t frighten him, and he knows it’s her. Still, when the echoes start to hit him, it hurts just as much as it has every time before. 

_’You’re not alone.’_

It’s not really a voice, but it helps him find himself and instead of trying to push against the moment, he lets it flow through him. Merrin had told him to treat the echoes like a river that flows through his mind. Instead of forcing them to crash and break like waves against his stony shore, he needs to let them take their course. It’s something easier said than done, but as he feels her there, it isn’t impossible.

Holding on to her makes it easier to face the tide without drowning, and slowly but surely, the visions begin to slip away. When one of his own memories slaps them both in the face, it’s harder to let go. Through their connection he can feel her struggling with it, but they both pull through it. 

Then another memory comes, one he’d tried to bury the deepest in his mind. But, now it comes bursting through and there’s nothing he can do as it takes him underwater.

_He’s in his cell, too weak to get off the ground. She’s there, standing over him, with a smile like ice. When she kneels down, straddling him, he tries to push her off, but it’s a futile effort. The skin of her hands caress him and they send hot fire through his veins. It had been a while since anyone had touched him without the intent of hurting him, and he can’t figure out how to handle it. The way she lightly skims them up and down his chest is almost more than he can take._

_“Tell me, Padawan.” She says, her mouth to his ear. “Have you always followed the Jedi Code? Or have you been naughty?”_

_He can’t answer her, even if he wanted to. His mind is in a haze, too slow to even process the question before her mouth is on his. He makes a noise of protest, but she takes it as invitation and presses against him with a bruising force. All he can do is close his eyes, but it doesn’t make his head any clearer. If she would just stop moving her hands all over him, maybe he could think straight. But, she doesn’t let up. She’s vigilant in finding every part of him, even the bruises and burns. It’s all so much, he thinks he might explode._

‘It’s only a memory. Let it go.’ But, he can’t do that. __

_He can feel her on him then, and he tries to grasp at something, anything to push him away from this feeling, to stop it before he can’t take it anymore. Every inch of him is on fire, and soon he’s going to be nothing but ash dusted across the cold floor._

_There’s tension building inside of him and it’s too much. Everything is just too much. Until finally he_ does _explode, but instead of dying, he goes so sickeningly cold that he can’t feel anything. This is when she pulls away from him, but not before reminding him that she owns him._

_He’s left alone then, and he thinks he’s never wanted to die more in his entire life._

Cal yanks himself away from Merrin so fast that he falls backward. He flips over just in time to puke into the grass. The memory had come at him so hard and fast that he couldn’t breathe. Now, his breaths are ragged as he tries to pull himself up. 

A hand touches his shoulder and he flinches away from it. “Don’t!” He says, voice hoarse.

“Cal, I-” Her voice is shaky but he doesn’t let her finish.

“Don’t. Just don’t.” He can’t bring himself to look at her as his heart races in his chest. How could he let this happen? Out of anything he had to relive with Merrin inside of his head, why did it have to be this?

“I’m sorry.” She continues anyway, and he knows her words are meant to be comforting, but they only make him feel more sick.

Cal clenches his eyes shut, taking several deep breaths to calm himself before shakily getting to his feet. The warmth of the sunlight helps remind him where he is, but he still feels cold. “We should go.” He mumbles. “We still have things to get.” He can’t bring himself to look at her and he pulls his hood back up to make it less obvious.

“Are you sure?” She asks, worry coloring her voice. “Maybe we should return to the ship.”

“No.” Cal says firmly. He would rather be in a crowd of complete strangers than have to look any of his friends in the eye at this moment.

“Cal-” She starts, but he cuts her off again.

“If you don’t want to go, I can go by myself.” BD-1 chirps at this, climbing on his shoulder. Cal is thankful for the weight of him.

Merrin is quiet for a long moment before finally she replies, “Alright. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote a lot of this chapter like 3 times, so I'm sorry if it's kind of a mess.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has read this far! I appreciate all the comments and kudos and just the general views! I wasn't sure if anyone was going to like my idea, so yeah. Thank you all, very much!

Everyone is staring at him. Every person they pass knows who he is, they know what happened to him, and they sneer. He pulls his hood farther over his face as he can’t stand to look at them. The ground tilts and he stumbles, but quickly recovers.

He can feel Merrin’s eyes on him and he hates it. He hasn’t looked at her since they’d left the small clearing where they’d found the flowers, but he knows she must be sneering at him too. After all, she’d seen it. She’d seen almost everything inside of his mind. She must think him pathetic.

BD-1 flits restlessly between Cal’s shoulders, looking this way and that. Cal wonders if his anxiety has somehow rubbed off on the droid. 

When BD beeps at him to tell him that there is no trace of Imperials in sight, it somehow doesn’t make him feel better. He still feels cold, still feels accusatory eyes on him. A hand reaches out to grab him. They’ve found him. They’re going to take him back. He can’t go back. 

Instinct takes over and he grabs whoever it is, leveraging his weight and flipping them over onto the ground. When he sees a middle aged man in street clothes cursing up at him in a foreign language instead of a Stormtrooper, he feels like he’s slapped in the face. 

“S-sorry, I’m so sorry!” He tries to bend down to help the man up, but he’s swatted away. The eyes are on him tenfold now and his breathing hitches. The small crowd of people are whispering about him. They know that something is wrong with him. They know everything. They start towards him, malice in their eyes. They want to hurt him. 

Merrin steps in front of him then. He can’t see her face, but he can hear the authority in her voice as she asks, “Did you not hear him? He is sorry.” For a moment, Cal wonders if they even understand what she’s saying. Something must have gotten through because they mutter to themselves before walking away. 

Merrin takes this opportunity to grab Cal by the arm and drag him to a nearby side street. He pulls away and she lets him go easily, but he catches the worry in her eyes. “Why did you do that? He was trying to get your attention. You almost had those people ready to throw you out.” The disappointment in her voice is almost too much to bear and he casts his eyes to the ground. 

“I’m sorry. I… thought he was… forget it. It was a misunderstanding.” Embarrassment doesn’t fit well into the cocktail of emotions he’s already feeling, and he can tell he’s getting agitated.

She lets out a frustrated sigh as she says, “This was a mistake. We should return to the Mantis.” BD-1 beeps in agreement, but Cal ignores it.

“No.” He retaliates sharply. Going back means admitting defeat, and even now he can’t do that. If everything he does is going to be a struggle, what is even the point?

“You are obviously not in the best state of mind at the moment.” Merrin argues back. “It is understandable considering what just-”

“Stop.” He cuts her off quickly. Cal very much does not need a reminder of what had just taken place. Hell, he still hasn’t even fully wrapped his mind around it. The sickness in his stomach still hasn’t gone away and he still feels like he’s being watched. Despite this, he wants to press onward. “If you want to go back to the ship, that’s fine. I’ll manage by myself.”

Merrin’s expression changes from worry to disbelief as she counters, “If what just happened is anything to go by, you most certainly will not.” 

This makes Cal angrier than it probably should and he huffs, “I can control myself.”

“Can you?” Merrin snaps, clearly frayed. “Or will you end up breaking someone’s neck when they try to sell you something?” 

Despite how angry her words are making him, he still feels a frost in his chest that only grows as he says, “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” 

Her confused, “What?” Does nothing to deter him as he presses on.

“You and Cere both would just love if I hurt someone. I’m not stupid. I know you talk about me when you think I can’t hear. All of you think I’m some kind of bomb waiting to explode into the dark side at any moment. But, you’re wrong. I’m _not_ Trilla.”

“Cal, no one thinks that you are.” Merrin sounds tired and Cal knows he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t.

“Maybe not. But, you don’t _trust_ me. Not like you used to. What do you think I’m going to do? Attack all these people?” He waves his arm in the direction of the busy street. 

Merrin puts a hand to her forehead, clearly already weary of more than just this conversation. “Is that the answer you would like to hear from me? That I think you are volatile and dangerous in your ragged state? Or that I think your paranoia will lead you to actions you regret?” Cal is struck dumb by the truth in her questions. “What I think does not matter, Cal Kestis. What matters is what you _do_.” She takes in a heavy breath before continuing. “I am truly sorry that I have not been able to help you better. It seems everything I do just makes it worse. Maybe you are right. Maybe you will manage this better by yourself.” 

Before Cal has the time to answer, the Nightsister is engulfed in green smoke and promptly disappears. “Wait!” He calls, but it’s too late. She’s already gone. And in her absence, Cal feels inexplicably alone. When the smoke clears, something small floats to the ground and Cal leans down to pick it up. It’s the list that Greez had written for them. He clutches it in his hand tightly, knowing he’s going to have to apologize eventually.

There are eyes on him again and he starts at BD’s reprimanding beeps. With a deep breath, Cal stands again, muttering, “Fine. If she wants to leave, let her. I can do this on my own. How hard can it be to go shopping?” BD trills at him again and he sighs, “You’re right. I’m not alone. Thanks, bud.” 

He doesn’t need her. He doesn’t need any of them. He’s tired of them all constantly worrying over him, anyway. He’d lived by himself for years on Bracca, he and BD had ventured into places much more dangerous than a small town marketplace. He can handle this.

Still, the empty spot on his belt where his Lightsaber should be makes him nervous. No one here is a trained killer, but Cal hates feeling helpless anyway. He eyes the people on the street, most of whom have gone back to their day, and he wonders what it’s like to be one of them. What would a simple life even be like? In a place like this, untouched by the war of the Empire, he thinks maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately, he will never know such a luxury and he pushes it from his mind to focus on the task at hand. He can only hope he doesn’t accidentally almost start another street brawl. He doesn’t need that kind of attention.

\---

She reappears in the trees and has to stop for a moment, leaning against a nearby trunk. In all of her years on Dathomir, she’d never quite experienced something like what she had today. There had been times when she was very young that her magick had seemed frightening or challenging, but she’d never regretted using it. Not until now. 

Maybe if she had stayed out of Cal’s mind, if she’d minded her own business, she wouldn’t feel so… shameful. She knows part of it is Cal’s emotions lingering inside of her and she hates it. At the very least, she thinks she understands him better. She’d heard him speak about how powerful his visions were, but to experience it was another thing entirely.

Leaving him alone was probably not the best approach to the situation, but Merrin has come to realize that nothing she does is the best anything. Her inexperience in situations like this is a hindrance that she doesn’t need. Then again, who really has all the answers for anything? 

She could go back. After all, it is her job to keep an eye on Cal. Cere has entrusted that to her, if nothing else. But, she doesn’t _want_ to go back. Not that she wants him to get in trouble, but she is tired, and she thinks she’s allowed to be tired. A moment to herself can’t hurt. So, instead of returning, she dips into her magick and she reaches out to find him. He’s there, anxious but unharmed. It’s enough to let her rest. 

Carefully, she sits, pulling the flower Cal had given her from her pocket and eyeing it sadly. Maybe next time, she can actually help him. If he even lets her try again. She wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t let her near him again. No, she can’t do that. Focusing on her failures will not make her better. Life is all about failure. Whether she is willing to move forward is the real test. 

Merrin had promised Cal that she would help him in any way that she could. If this was not the way, then there would be another. 

Still clutching the tether she has to him, Merrin closes her eyes and lets sleep wash over her.

\---

Communicating with the locals isn’t as challenging as Cal had originally thought. In fact, he comes to find it quite entertaining. His purposefully limited contact with the people of this planet had kept him from seeing how normal they feel. By the time he has what he needs, he feels comfortable enough to pull down his hood and really take everything in.

At one point, he begins to wander aimlessly. He can feel some of his old curiosity spring to life inside of him, and his desire to see what there is to see leads him down a number of streets. Every now and then, movement in the corner of his eye makes him freeze, but each time BD-1 is there to calm him down with a few simple beeps. 

No, he isn’t charging head first into the unknown, but it feels almost easy to just let himself wander. 

At the edge of town, he finds a massive lake. There a few boats on the water, most likely fishermen, and for a moment he merely watches them. The orange glow of the setting sun casts brightly on the surface of the water and Cal thinks it’s beautiful. BD-1 jumps to the ground and runs forward to scan the waters. Cal thinks he’ll have to sift through BD’s databanks later to see what he’s discovered, but for now he tries to enjoy the moment. 

After all, this is the most open space he’s allowed himself to be in since coming to this planet. His nerves are a bit frayed, but he’s not running to find cover, and he counts that as a win. He knows he should return to the ship. He has quite a bit of a hike ahead of him and no matter how far he’s come, he still isn’t ready to be in an unfamiliar place in the dark. There is still no telling what lurks in the shadows. Exhaustion bites at him, wanting to sink under his skin. The thought of having to walk all the way back to the ship makes him want to lie down. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have driven Merrin away. She could have at least made the journey shorter. The guilt he feels at the look on her face is something he doesn’t need right now, so he pushes it back down.

With a heavy sigh, he calls BD-1 back to him and heads into town once again. It’s when he makes it to the square that he stops short, and is rooted to the ground in shock. A line of Stormtroopers are marching through, clearly on patrol. 

Cal closes his eyes, hoping it’s just an illusion brought on by exhaustion and the drama of the day, but when he opens them again, his hopes are dashed.

An incoming transmission in his ear makes him jump. He’d almost forgotten he has an earpiece. “Cal.” Cere’s voice sounds strained. “Cal, come in.” 

The sound of her voice gives him the ability to move and he ducks into a nearby alleyway, heart thundering so loudly in his ears, he almost doesn’t hear her as she continues. 

“Cal, you and Merrin need to return to the ship. _Now._ The empire is here.”

“I know.” He finally answers, voice barely above a whisper. “I see them.”

“I’m sorry, Cal. I just found the transmission. It was a last minute choice by a nearby Star Destroyer that went off course.”

“Do… do they know..” He can’t finish his question, but luckily she understands.

“No. They don’t know we’re here. But, they are going to be looking for signs. We need to leave. Get back here and don’t draw attention to yourselves.” 

“Okay.” Is the only response he can think to give.

“Cal.” She says his name again, and her voice is softer. “You can do this.” 

His fear doesn’t diminish, but he stands straighter. “Thanks.” 

It isn’t until after her transmission cuts out that he realizes she doesn’t know he’s alone. Did Merrin not return to the ship? If not, where had she gone? He doesn’t like the thought of her getting caught, but he knows she can handle herself. 

His mind goes to Trilla, and the frost that had finally been thawing from his chest returns. There’s no reason to think she would be here if they don’t know that Cal is here. But, if they _do_ find out, all it takes is one transmission and she’ll be coming.

Swallowing back his rising panic, Cal covers his face once more. “Let’s not get noticed, okay, BD?” The droid whirrs in agreement and brings up his holomap to guide them back. 

Cal tries to stick to back alleys and side streets as much as he can, using the growing darkness to his advantage. Stealth had never been his strongest attribute, but he’d learned how to hide in shadows after he’d landed on Bracca.

It takes him entirely too long to creep through the town. Most people had abandoned the streets, too afraid of the troopers to try dealing with them. It makes blending in more difficult, but somehow he gets through. He can see the treeline that will be his salvation, so close he could run for it. But, he doesn’t, knowing it will only get him followed. 

He’s close, _so_ close when he hears it. A scuffle. 

Still hiding, he peeks out to see three of the local men arguing with a few of the Scout troopers. He knows he should keep going, he knows that intervening will surely sign his death certificate, but he sees one of the men get knocked down and he can’t walk away. 

The trooper raises his baton again and Cal springs into action, jumping in front of the next victim and grabbing the trooper’s hand, pushing him back. “Leave them alone!” He commands much more confidently than he feels. 

Collectively, they laugh at him and the sound sends icy shivers down his spine. Hearing them laugh sends him back to that horrible prison, and it’s a moment before he can collect himself.

“Get out of the way, kid.” The assaulting trooper says, “Before you end up on the ground, too.”

Somehow, Cal is able to come back to himself and he remembers that he is not a prisoner anymore. He may not have his lightsaber, but he is _not_ helpless. And he won’t be letting anyone get hurt while he can do something about it.

“Hey, are you deaf? I said get out of the way!” The trooper raises his baton once more and instinctively, Cal dodges, dropping down to kick the trooper’s feet out from under him. 

The other two go to attack and Cal rolls out of the way, grabbing the baton that had fallen from the trooper’s hand and pushing himself to his feet once more. It’s not a lightsaber, but it’s a weapon, and it feels good in his hand.

The one on his left lunges forward to attack and Cal parries, knocking him off balance before whacking him with the baton and sending him flying back, stunned. The second comes at him before he’s ready and he barely blocks the attack in time. He’s pushed back and his hood falls from his head, but he doesn’t let himself falter. He swings low, but the trooper blocks it and Cal is forced to dodge. He curses to himself, realizing how out of practice he is and dodges again, rolling out of the way and jumping to his feet behind the trooper. This time he hits and the trooper goes down.

His breathing is heavy, but his blood is singing with the excitement of combat. He’d forgotten how _good_ it feels.

“Are you okay?” He finally asks the men. They stare at him wide eyed, but one of them nods. “Good. Get out of here before more come!” They don’t need to be told a second time and Cal watches as they scurry away.

He’s about to drop the baton when he hears more troopers come in behind him. Great. These have blasters. 

“Stop right there!” One of them shouts and they open fire. Rolling out of the way, Cal blocks one of the blasts with the baton. It isn’t made to deflect them, but at least it can stop them from hitting him in the face. 

He’s looking for a way out when he’s flanked on both sides. This is not good.

In unison, they fire and Cal has no time to do anything except call on the Force. There’s a wall built up in his mind from fear. He knows it’s what’s keeping the visions out. He knows he runs the risk of getting trapped in his own mind. But, it doesn’t matter. He does the only thing he can and he trusts in the Force, and the wall shatters. The Force flows into him just like the river Merrin had mentioned and he reaches out, freezing every single bolt. 

He doesn’t know when and he doesn’t know how, but he _does_ know that the Force is on his side once again, and he has nothing to fear from it.

“It’s the Jedi!” 

Shit.

His celebration is short lived. He can’t stay here, or he’ll be painfully executed. Not wasting any time, Cal turns, finds an empty alleyway and he runs for his life.

\---

She wakes with a start, blinking in the darkness. Something is wrong. The tether she’d tied to Cal is bouncing and stretching. He’s afraid. No, not afraid. Terrified. In an instant she’s up, calling to her magick to bring her to him. When she appears, she finds him turning a sharp corner and he almost runs head first into her. His “Ah!” of surprise is cut short as she steadies him. But his wild eyes don’t calm.

“They’re here!” He shouts, and she doesn’t need to ask who he means. 

A group of Stormtroopers rounds the corner and she pushes Cal behind her, using her magic to raise a shield against the blasts. Anger pumps through her and she attacks, throwing her magic like weapons. They scatter for a moment, but more take their place. She doesn’t like being stuck here in this corner. There’s too much opportunity for them to be crushed. 

Taking a deep breath, she pushes them back and while they’re subdued, she turns and grabs Cal and they disappear. They don’t go as far as she’d hoped, but she’d been more focused on getting them out of the line of fire. 

“This way!” Cal grabs her hand and they run towards the trees. 

It’s a matter of moments before she can hear them being followed again. Cal pulls her down and a blaster bolt whizzes just above her head. She throws another spell at them, but it’s unfocused and only slows them for a few seconds. 

Just as they break through the tree line, the sound of a Tie fighter booms above them. Suddenly, the forest is exploding around them. Cal’s hand slips from hers as he stumbles to the ground. Merrin drops to her knee to help him up, but he pushes her off of him and throws out his hands. Looking up, she sees a large blaster bolt that could have only come from the fighter hovering frozen right above them. 

Surprised, she watches as Cal, with a scream of great effort, pushes it back toward the sky, striking the ship. 

“Let’s go!” She says to him, taking his hand again and pushing them towards the ship with her magick. In her haste, she’s inaccurate and they stumble to the ground in the clearing. It’s difficult to stand, but she does, and she pulls Cal to his feet. He sways before she pulls him forward, up the ramp and they both go crashing onto the floor of the Mantis. 

Cere starts when she sees them and turns towards Greez. “Captain! Get us out of here!”

He doesn’t need to be told twice and he pulls up into the sky until he can finally throw it into hyperdrive and they’re gone.

Both of them are breathing hard as Merrin turns to Cal. The image hits her of when they’d escaped from the Fortress and the moment is so similar she has to look away.

“Are you two okay?” Cere comes running to their side, worry in her eyes. 

“We’re fine.” Cal answers through ragged breaths. 

“What happened? How did they find you?” 

Merrin feels guilt punch her in the stomach at this question. If she’d been with him, maybe she could have stopped him from getting found out. Whatever had happened, it could have been avoided if she’d been there.

“It’s my fault.” Cal answers, pushing himself up to sit. “I stopped to help some people who got themselves on the troopers’ bad side. And, well, you know me.” 

Merrin eyes him, waiting for him to reveal that she’d left him alone, but he merely gives her a half smile and goes quiet.

“That makes sense.” Cere shakes her head, and she stands. 

In a split second decision, Merrin stumbles forward to throw her arms around Cal. If they’d been standing, they might have fallen over. Realizing what she’d done, she pulls back, embarrassed. “Sorry.” She says quickly, but the look in his eyes says she doesn’t need to be. “Where do we go from here?” She asks, turning towards the fallen Jedi Master.

“I don’t know.” Cere answers with a sigh. “But, we’ll figure it out.”

She knows it’s true, but it doesn’t make her feel any better. Wherever they do end up, Merrin doesn’t think she’s going to let Cal out of her sight for a second.


End file.
